Arms thrown in the air!

I don't even know where to begin anymore. I haven't been much of mother lately. The last time I blogged was January 19th. I remained in the hospital until February 11th. Not even two days later I was back for another week, then started on home health care. Basically, they left my picc line in so I could do TPN (total parenteral nutrition) at home. Let me tell you, I didn't leave my bed room at all. I had severe nausea, severe eveything. I had a pain management appointment, and they made me fill out all these forms about pain, but he decided to start weaning me off the pain medicine and things started going South again with the weaning of the pain medication.

So, I Was in and out of the hopsital 3 times during the shorest month of the year. My doctor wants to send me to the best doctors. He said they're in Florida. I did make an appointment with, but I have no ties in Florida. No family, no friends. What if they have to do the major surgery he was talking about? I couldn't get an appointment with him until mid-April. I just can't live this way, in this much pain with this much nausea. I haven't actually had a meal since December 27th. Which is probably the last time we were all together as a family. I decided to tell my doctor that I am not going to Florida. With the gas prices sky rocketing and me being in so much pain, there is no telling what could happen on a drive. We would have to pay for a hotel. I can't worked since October. So we're working with 1 income and our savings. So he said there are some pancreatic specialist here. So he referred me to them and I had an appointment in less than a week. So let me tell you about this appointment....


First off, the surgeon seems like a really nice guy. It's a pretty long drive to get to him but nothing like Florida. Maybe an hour or two worth of driving. He looked at my scans and it seems like we've finally found someone who knows what they're talking about. Basically all him and his team work on are the pancreas and the liver. That's it, and people come from all over to see him. He told me we had been "dicked around" (his words, not mine) by the other hospital. We have been given false recovery hopes and that most everything they said was/is "bullshit," (Again, his words not mine) which is hard to hear. He said I never should've been sent home from the hospital in the condition I am currently in, not even on home health care with the TPN. So, far away from home, here am.... in yet another hospital bed. With yet another pain pump.... Here we go Short Circuit #I lost track. 4 different bags of fluids. But on the bright side, there are only 2 sides. I am in the not dying of pancreatitis yet category. But what I didn't know is that there is a whole section of my pancreas that's just basically dead. And surgery at this point would be very bad for me.

Right now, I'm writing just to write because I am scared about the future. I am malnurished, in pain, and waiting to get yet another cat scan. That'll make 23 cat scans in the last year. I miss my girls. I miss my husband. I miss my dog. I miss talking to my friends at will. I miss my old life. We're already in March of this year and I haven't had 1 single happy moment this year. My husband hasn't either. I don't know how he does it. He is one amazing person. I am just not sure how much longer we can go one like this. It's hard. Hospital after hospital. Test after test.


That's all for right now.