Have you ever felt like you'd just like to move away? I want to move. We were toying with the idea of a new addition to the house and ultimately, I think we're axing the idea. Then we toyed with the pool idea again and then I realized, I don't have a problem with the house at all. I don't have a problem with the space, I don't have a problem with anything. I want to be around MY family again. I want to be able to visit my family without the 3 hour drive. I want to be able to walk into the house and be comfortable around people I am familiar with, a place where get a together isn't the equivalent of walking into a lions den. This I realized over Thanksgiving last year. It had been quite a few years since I got to experience that. And I feel like I don't get to many of these things because of the 3 hour difference and I'm torn. I miss my family, my mom, my brother, my niece, my nephew, my old friends who are still there, my mom's best friend who is like another mother to me. I've never had that living here. And now I'm stuck--- stuck with a mortgage, stuck with an awesome job. And a great neighbor who has by far done more than words could put together for my family. We do keep each other sane. But being back home is a cross roads to run into everything dear in my heart right now. I have more friends here than I could ever imagine, but I don't have my family. I would love to be there for them more and have them be there for us as well without all the "I wish we coulds" or the "I just can't get off work," or the "It's just too long to drive right now," and even the "it's too last minute."
What's sparking this? First It's 3am. My thinking time, when I get home from work and it's quiet. And second, my dads birthday would've been this coming Thursday. He would've been 65 this year and I'm stuck in the middle of our good memories and our painful memories.
If I remember the good memories--- The T-ball games, the laughs, the basketball games, the trips to the open markets, the Greek parties where he taught me how to turn the lamb on the spit, the dancing, the barbecues with lots of friends and members of the lebanese community.... And the one that shines the most in my heart is how early he'd wake us up to get us ready for school. In the morning, after his morning run he'd come up the steps (all 3 of them, of our split level house) and we'd hear..in military style none the less:
"Bo Diddley, Bo Diddley have you heard
Mama gonna buy you a mockingbird
If that mockingbird don't sing
She gonna buy you a diamond ring
If that diamond ring don't shine
Baby gonna take it to a private eye
If that private eye can't see
He gonna have to come an talk to me"
It was either that, or he'd barge in, his morning person self and say "Time to get up! Time to grab something to eat!" He was all about breakfast since that's all he could make.
There weren't too many of those good memories before he went downhill with MS. And after that, it was pain as he lost one function after the other. I was so young. I was small enough to wish on stars and still believe in it. (Ref: Princess and the Frog, which is now a special movie for me.) There were nights where I'd ask the star itself to make him better. And other nights where I'd ask the star to talk to God for him, to help him feel better. Then as I got older there was nothing else I could ask for but the right type of drug to relieve his pain. Or even worse, for his pain to end by the only way it seemed that it could take it completely away.
I always thought he'd slip away silently in his sleep. That's the way I pictured he'd leave this earth. True to life and free will, you never know which sunrise or sunset will be your last. And he died at the hands of a careless medical community with nurses pounding on his chest to try to keep him here.
I try to remember the good times, but that just makes me miss him even more. So then I try to remember all the pain he went through, but that just makes it hurt even more. I haven't found the middle ground yet. If there is any. And sometimes I do wish I could move closer to my family. Closer to comfort. I haven't had it here for 5 years....But I have learned from my mom and dad that parenting is so much more than getting your kids through college. It's being there for them as a parent themselves and becoming grandparents to their children.
Hopefully this horrible void that I feel for the loss of someone who was very under*appreciated while he was here will eventually go away. I know I can't change the past and it is only now that I realize what he truly did for me. What he did for my future, and my family. I have learned from my mom and dad that parenting is so much more than getting your kids raised from infancy through college. So many parents abandon ship when their children are old enough to take care of themselves, but it's also being there for them as a parent themselves and becoming grandparents that are involved every step of the away. While I am far away from grandparent land, I do realize what a vial role it is even now especially since my bugs are down 1.
The point--- the "message" is:
If you still have family, parents, children, etc in your life and actively there--- Call them as soon as you can and tell them that you love them. You don't need cards, gifts or any money spent to let them know you love them.
Are there computers and blogs in heaven? If so---- Happy early birthday, dad! I miss you, I love you. And I just want 1 more hug... as usual.