Life stinks sometimes.....

I mean the dog, mostly. She's sleeping under the bed, even at 2:20am, with a hydrocodone, and a sleeping pill later..... her gas is just nasty. I'd put her outside if it wasn't so cold. I love the winter, it's my favorite season. I just really felt like writing tonight. There is a lot going on in my life so why not talk about it?


I just recently spent a week in the hospital. Mostly sedated. I had one of those pumps, and they allowed me to push the button every 8 minutes. As most of you know, I am struggling with pancreatitis. It started the beginning of this year, and has happened every month since. Medically, it's been unexplainable. At this point, I have been referred to the top doctor in my state that deals with these things. I am going to have yet another procedure done. 2 at one time actually. One that isn't risky, and one that is very risky. He told me he's looking for everything, Cancer, Auto-immune conditions.... everything that could possibly be hiding and causing this for me. This year alone, I've had 12 Cat Scans, 1 MRI, Hydascan, Upper GI, Colonoscopy, Countless amounts of blood taken, Small bowel Xray, Gastric Emptying study, 3 hospitalizations (in the last 4 months), my gall bladder removed. I started this year on birth control, and insulin.... now I find myself taking 29+ pills a day. Well, I'll be honest.... I don't take ALL of them. I am just lost. I was in complete shock when I had another flare-up after we removed my gall bladder in August. They seem to have gotten more severe after it was removed. And we've found no medical reason for me to get pancreatitis.
       So, Wednesday we add to the list of procedures and Pancreatic Endoscopy, and an ERCP (I think that's what he said it is). The first one isn't risky at all. The second one has risk to it. I'm scared that we still won't figure it out. The next thing they want to do after it is take me off my birth control because there is a 1% chance that it could cause this. It's unlikely since I've been on the same one for almost 4 years now, but I'm 28 years old with no medical reason to be having this condition. What am I to do about this? I've listen, read up... done all I can. I guess at this point, the only thing I can do is cross my fingers and hope this procedure, this time will work. They told me at my appointment that they can already see scarring compared to the scans earlier this year. Scarring leads to cancer in the future.... Of course, remember I'm 28, the future they are talking about is when I'm 45-55 years old. So it appears that forevermore, me and this doctor will have some kind of relationship. I think what scares me the most, is that this is all hereditary for women. I have 2 girls..... Alright, I'm done talking about that. How about them girls........

I'm off work longer... until after the first week of December. It's been great. Today, I gave my daughters a bath, then put them in their princess night gowns. The glamorous long silk type, and we sang Disney, and Dora songs while I blow dried and flat ironed their hair. They look like the Disney Princesses that they adore so much. Me being in the hospital twice in 2-3 week period has really affected them. It doesn't help them to see my arms bruised from PICC lines, IV's, and lab work. So, we've been watching movies.. talking about things, and Bee has decided she doesn't want me to go back to work, but it's okay for me to go back to the hospital since the nurses tell them how pretty they are, give them snacks, ice cream and toys. That stuff weirds me out because I have never been THAT type of parent to dote my kids around just to have people look at them. I get that I have pretty children, I tell them they are beautiful and wonderful every night, but I feel like that's for MY family to do. I don't mind every now and again someone saying something about their eyes when we're in public. That doesn't bug me. It's just some kind of instinct I have that tells me NOT to parade them around. I don't know....

Anyway, Tangent. I am very good for those. Bug has decided she NEVER wants me in the hospital again unless I am not sick. The doctors just want to watch me. She is most definitely my sweetheart. She has another loose tooth, while her new tooth is coming in. She's doing great in school. They have a "Stop Light" system in class. Green means they made all good choices. Yellow means they were in the middle, and I am sure I don't have to tell you what red means. Bug has gotten all green lights, all the time, every time. we reward them at the end of the month. Bee, she's in love with her school and teachers. She's opened up and has become a chatterbox. Her favorite book is Baby Ant Stinky Pants right now. And she got her sign language certificate! Bug learned to sign last year, and I believed helped Bee out a little bit with that.

My girls are growing up. I love it. We have a picture screen saver on our computers and TV, and it's just amazing to watch them grow. Even Red and I have grown since they were given to us. We've been very lucky that they haven't had major illnesses, aren't back and forth to the doctors all the time and are just amazingly sweet children. I love listening to them play and interact with each other. They play school all the time together. They're both going to be beautiful nerds and geeks! I love it. Just like their mama. I can't believe in less than 2 months MY Bee will be 4......in less than 6 months, MY Bug will be 6. I can't believe how intuitive they have become! Now that Christmas is around the corner, they've been gearing up with what to ask Santa for.... I think since they have been 2 very good girls this year...We'll see how it goes.


Wish me luck on these procedures....... Perhaps I may have a Happy Thanksgiving, as I hope all of you do. I probably won't be back before then. Unless of course, all of this medication keeps me awake and feeling like a big rant. ;)