Health... it's foy da burds....

Ok, so it's almost 2am. I recently just got home from work and I am freaked out. So I feel like writing. It makes me feel better for some reason... when I write, while freaked out because I get to go off in tangents. Why I am freaked out? I am glad you asked! Here's the story: I forgot to take dinner to work with me and I wear an insulin pump. It's okay. I had snacks but since my last and first meal of the day was at Pizza Hut at 11:30am with the girls after their field trip to the fire department... I was pretty hungry when I got home. I noticed my pump was almost empty so I send the rest of my insulin into my blood stream, and eat some of the left overs from bug and bee's dinner. (Yes, eating this late, BAD) The pump site needs to be changed every 3-4 days which is when my reservoir gets empty anyway. I get done eating, noticed my pump had sent the rest of the insulin into my blood stream so I pulled it off like I usually do.

Now had I known that my blood stream wanted to be outside of my body afterward, I probably wouldn't have done that quite yet. It was awful. That's why I am freaked out. And for some reason, I just stood there while blood got all over the kitchen floor, pressing it down with my hand like that was going to stop it. It was like I was fascinated by it or something. I guess for a minute my brain didn't understand that there was free flowing blood.... and no pain whatsoever. I did finally wake up, get a paper towel and rush upstairs. After it stopped, I had to come downstairs and clean up what was pretty close to looking like a crime scene. At least I only got a few drops on my favorite jeans. That was just plain freaky and weird! I think I may leave the pump off for a few days and just manually inject my insulin........

Other health issues are still present but undiagnosed. I am having a HIDA Scan done on Thursday. They inject some kind of radiation dye in the blood streams to look into your body and check out your gallbladder. If it's not my gallbladder, I guess we'll be going at the appendix next. Woo? HIDA scan is such a weird word. Hide-a- scan! It's almost fun to say but I have the feeling that I won't be laughing on Thursday. What's the best part about getting a hide-a-scan? My mom is coming for 2 days!!!! Yay, mom! And she's bring my niece with her! The girls are excited. We picked her up a Disney Princess nightgown since bug and bee have one so they all could "match," Lyssabug was feeling a little left out when the girls spent the week at my mom's so they'll have fun.... in matching Disney Princess night gowns.... and I will fast for several hours and go have radiation injected in my body.  Sometimes, I just feel like my doctors should open me up and just take out everything I don't need. I don't need a gallbladder, an appendix, and you know, I have diabetes, so if my pancreas does is getting infected, what good is it to me? It makes insulin but my body doesn't use it. Take it out!

Ok, so I am being drastic. But since January I have been a human pin cushion. Poked, prodded, checked, prepped, examined, knocked out, in pain, scanned, x-rayed, ultrasound-ed, colonoscopied, endoscopied, biopsied, and I supposed on Thursday I will be Hide-a-scanned. Enough is enough! I am officially tired after 15 whole minutes of venting. So, one more check around the house to make sure I got everything cleaned up and then if I fall asleep fast enough, I may just get 5 hours of sleep. ;)

Insomnia

Bad case. I just can't sleep! Last night I couldn't hold my head up, I was in so much pain that I kept doing the head bob----- In the bathtub, brushing my teeth, etc. Tonight? I just can't fall asleep, no matter what I do. There are a few positions that I find myself in less pain all around.... that didn't even work. There has to be something I can do to go to sleep easier without the use of medication. I've tried so many things-- listening to music, not listening to music, bath, shower, no drinking before bed (except when I take my birth control! A necessary drink!), no eating.... Nothing is working. I'm a mess. I need sleep. 4am right now.


Daddy D has been back at work for a week now. Chaos has ensued with the girls wanting daddy. We've curved it a little bit by shopping for their halloween costumes. This year I have Cinderella and Belle. We got them from the Disney store. They're adorable.... Why don't I run in tangents today?


I talked to my mom. She's doing all right but having a hard time being there and dealing with all the ailments that her family has been going through. She told me one of her sisters looks like she's almost gone and she can't take it. She's the 9th child out of 10. I can't imagine having that many siblings let alone being a younger one. That's a lot of heartache to go through. She has already lost about half of them to various things that I'd rather not discuss. So it has to be hard. My Aunt just lost my uncle and I'm sure she's sad about that and feeling the loss of my dad all over again. It hurts to know she's not happy right now. I miss her so much. I should call her tonight, it's 11am there right now. But she may have already gone out for the day. I miss her, I'm so used to calling her when Daddy D is at work and now... I still can't. September 14---- Where are you?

You know, I really don't have much to blog about right now. I don't really want to talk about all the problems I'm having, or anything like that and I've lost most of my old blog links for the blogs I used to read. I need to find more blogs to read! I need more blog friends, I think. I guess I'll need to find a way to slow the rotation of the earth just a little bit to give an extra hour in the day to find some blog friends----- *sigh* Anyone have an idea on how to accomplish that?


I'm done rambling.

So.... I can't sleep.

I haven't talked to my mom in what feels like forever but it's really only been four days. This summer is going to take forever to go by! My husbands last day of work is today (Friday) and then he's off for the summer so it might get better. We'll see. We have a lot of things we need to get done like get a swing set up for the girls, get a little pool set up for them. It's about 12'' by 30'. So it's not too big, which is good. I'd like to just stand in there with them so we can cool off this summer. There's really not point in going to the park if we have a swing set, or going to the pool if we have a little pool that they can use with the neighbors kids. We know we're eventually moving so putting a pool in now that's in ground is just senseless. This is our "starter" home and we're perfectly happy to act like it. We eventually plan to make the bottom of our hill a "play land," with a mini golf or croquet course, a climbing wall up one side of the hill and a few other kiddie type things. I want the mini golf course to go around the swing set so it's more "challenging" as they get older. It gives us a reason to stay home and not spend $4 a gallon on gas.


Uh... I still miss my mom. I called her best friend this morning and we talked for almost an hour. We've decided to make it a weekly thing to make up for the missing person in our life. I knew I'd miss her but I really thought I would be more happy for her getting to see her family. This entire week, I've barely talked to her. May 10-15 minutes. We do that 5 or more times a day when she is in the country. A couple of times I found myself staring at my cell phone in the morning because the first thing I do when the kids are eating breakfast is to call her to find out how her night went. I think that's what I can't sleep tonight. Even though it's 2am here, it's 9am in Lebanon. I can just imagine what she's doing there right now. I bet... well, if I were her, I'd walk to this local bread bakery and get me a "jubna mon-oosh," I guess that's how it's said in arabic. There is a place that made them fresh every morning. I bet she woke up to the smell of cedars, fresh bread... and maybe grapes if my grandma still has those vines! *sigh* I think I may just be borderline jealous. I'll have to get a calling card so I can give her a call.


Enough about mom.... Enough about mom... I really should just go to sleep! Really...

My mom left for MA yesterday. She'll leave for Lebanon on Monday. I'm nervous for her, excited for her and jealous! I would love to go back, but an $1800 plan ticket is a little much for me. Then add the husband and kids... that's way too much money. Perhaps one day I can send the kids there when they are teenagers. We'll see. I'll miss her. So I'm trying to make it a point to talk to her as much as possible while she is still in the states.

What is life anymore?

I'm so tired of hearing people say things are hard. Including myself. When I was growing up, a wise man (my father) always made it a point to tell us that there is always someone in the world who has it harder. Which, I do believe that is true. I'm sure my circumstances don't even come close to somethings that are going on in the world. But I find I'm hearing these statements so much more lately... "It's hard to be a toddler," "it's hard to be a teenager," "it's hard to be a mother," etc. Isn't everything hard? At what age is anything easy really? I've thought back into time. Despite what someone I know says, we do not remember when we were toddlers. You can't really remember back to age three, except maybe a specific memory. Granted toddlers are emotional pieces of filo dough. One false move and it rips. But who remembers that anyway? As we get older even things that are on the surface are just hard. We always have something to do. There are very few things in the world now that do not have to be done. So we always have something that's not necessarily easy to accomplish. School...definitely wasn't easy. Not any of it. Elementary, Middle, High School or College... But if you study and work hard you will do well.

Relationships are hard as well, whether you're in one or not. So many people think that just because the rings are on the fingers that you'd never have to work one a relationship again. Which is completely isn't true. Marriage doesn't stop arguements, it starts them simply to test the relationship. Putting the rings on the finger is one 20 minute ordeal. That's it. It's an over-glorifed moment in time. I think the 10 year period should be celebrated with something like that. Not the intial start. The intial start can be anulled and in most cases bride and groom have not gone through much together at all. Before I got married, I went through major health issues with who is now my husband, a child, and the loss of a parent. It's those things, and the reactions that bring you close to a person... not a ceremony with a ring. That honestly is no big deal.

Being a mother isn't easy at all--- but once you get over the nostalgia of what a mother is supposed to be and take realize what a mother is, then take it day by day, incident by incident, happy moment by happy moment and stop thinking about tomorrow--- it gets a little easier. It takes a lot to realize that it's okay to "lose it," not to an extreme, with your kids. If kids didn't see your reactions to anger, they will never learn that it is okay to be angry. There are people who actually sit there and believe that you're never supposed to show your kids anger. Is it really okay to just quietly resent what your child just did? "Oh it's okay honey. I only told you not to touch that four million times and now it is broken." What could a kid learn from that? Other than they can get away with things that they shouldn't.

Of course, these are "surface" thoughts. Those are the things that are there all the time. There are other things that get tossed into life, like health and money, and the ever so important thing called "time." Learning to manage time, and have a routine is difficult. Even without kids I think it would be difficult. Sometimes I think with all the things I have to do that I need to just run away. I have not once been able to get everything that needs to be done, finished. Jena is 18 months old, I have everything I need for her first year scrapbook--- except time.

I can't even remember where my rant was going! It did have a point! I guess I've just slowly started noticing that people invest way too much in things that aren't important at all, than in the real things we need to gain from bring here. There are so many things that aren't essential to be alive. I guess that is why I feel like I've been born in the wrong time. I feel like I belong in a time far back. Where people didn't think weddings and child birth were everything. Where people didn't have so much, yet so little time on their hands that they get to sit around being depressed because there was work that their lives really did depend on. You choose to do something with your life back then, and you did it until you died. Now people change careers so much there is no purpose in it anymore. There really isn't a purpose in going to college because half the people who graduate don't stay in there field. There's always a job that will allow people to make money to buy everything to survive. Nothing is honestly "home made" anymore. There's something that had to be purchased in almost everything now. This is why everything is so expensive.... and it's only going to get worse.

Happy Belated Mother's Day!

I had to work a 10 hour shift on Mother's Day, but I got cards from my family, dinner out the night before and a "Chicken Soup for the Working Mother's Soul" book. It'll be interesting. I swapped it out for the current book that I have at work that I'm dying to finish. It's the first part of the Black Magicians trilogy. I didn't think I'd like it at first but now I'm hook and want to know what's going to happen.

I got my mom a nice little tote bag that has different bags in it. In each bag I put a few things I think she will need on a trip she's taking. She'll be leaving June 3rd and coming back September 14th. I'm going to miss her. I won't be able to talk to her a million times a day while she is back in her home country of Lebanon. And she's also going back to where we used to live-- Greece. I'm nervous. It seems like every summer there is political unrest in Lebanon. It usually ends by summer. I know I shouldn't worry, it's more that I can't talk to her 5 times a day for months. Bee started calling her Grams while she was here. It was cute. When mom comes back from her trip, my kids are going to be totally different! We've never been apart this long even though she lives almost 3 hours away.

Anyway... I'm getting teary-eyed! New subject.


My Bee is talking so well now. And she's the most affection kid in the world. I can barely stand it. All she wants to do most of the day is hug and kiss on someone. (She better cut that out when she's older!) When she gives hugs she says "awwwwwwwwwww Sweet!" It's adorable. I miss her so much when I go to work. She's so adorable. I'm starting to work on her numbers and letters. She's talking a lot more and even starting sentences like:

What's up.
What's that.
See this.
Whats these
All done
Get down.
Got book.
Got blue shoes.
Got balloon.
Go, go car.

Stuff like that. Definitely hitting some milestones early, and some later, but she's my baby girl.

My big girl is starting to learn how to spell and read. It's adorable and I miss her bedtime stores at night. I wish everyone could stay up until 11:30 or whenever I manage to walk in the door from work. She's excited. The only thing I'm working on with her developmentally is trying to get her to use the bathroom without her taking off ALL of her clothes. That's getting annoying... having to get her dress multiple times a day, but I'm sure she'll get it later. We keep telling her she won't be able to go to school unless she does these things and that eventually rattles her to the point where she'll learn... just for the sake of going to school.


I guess I have a lot to upgrade. I did finally join the second gym! So far I like it. It's rough on the foot but I'm hoping that will change soon. I really need to lose weight. All this extra weight is driving me and my health crazy. I'm going 3 days a week. Bee hasn't really taken to the child care center in there. But the woman watching them says if she leaves her alone for a few minutes, she's fine. Lanie wants to go every day. If I let her, she would pack my gym bag and drive me there. She gets excited for Monday, Wednesday and Friday.... she knows them as "Gym Days," it's really too funny. It's been work, I'm definitely out of shape. There is an eldery woman that goes and she's in better shape than I am. I wanted to do an aerobics class while I was here but I decided to just watch instead and boy am I glad I watched only. That has to be the toughest aerobics class EVER. Yet, this elderly woman did it without any problems! Argh!! I've got A LOT of self-improvement to do.


By the way, thank you for all of the book suggestions. I'm going to take a look into all of them. Since I really only have 2 more books coming out this year, and 2 in the Magicians Guild set are already out. So that leaves me with 4 books, after I finish the 3 I already have. I hope my kids like reading this much. Bee likes to open books and ask "What's that, what's this" to everything she sees. Bug has been a book worm forever. Maybe one day, we'll have a "family reading time!" Ok.... no more dreams into the future.


To all moms: I hope you had a great Mother's day even though I'm a little late on posting. I needed to spend time with my mommy. I don't know, I may be a little biased but I think she's the best mom in the world! ;o)