She's so sick! She could barely talk. Her flight out of Lebanon leaves at 4am THIS Saturday! She'll stay in MA for a little while and fly back to NC on the 14th. I live 3 hours away from her but the thought of her being 3 hours away and not the Atlantic ocean and 7 hour time difference away is making me excited. I can't wait to have her back. It's felt like something has been missing in my life this entire summer. When she's back I can breathe a big sigh of relief. I'm so ready to be able to talk to her more again.
Other than that, sleeping problems and a birth control switch that has me nervous. It's important right now to not have a new baby--- VERY important. The one I was on was throwing my entire body off and making my current problems worse. The doctors wanted me to come in but I asked them to just change my RX as a start so I don't have to pay to see them right now. Well, they did---- gave me a more expensive BC and on top of that the warning list is so long I haven't even been able to read it all. There is a lot of emphasis on diabetic patients taking it and having problems. That scares me a lot since just that section is more than a paragraph long! It's crazy, I haven't even read all of the drug interactions yet but apparently caffine has some affect on the effectiveness of it. So now I have to cut caffine out? It's not entirely clear on cutting it out or reducing... or even how much caffine to have. It's crazy, honestly. I'll give it 2-3 months to work and hopefully I will see improvements in pain, bleeding and all the other bells a whistles that come with endometriosis. The biggest concern they have right now for me are polyps (spelling?) so if problems persist, I guess I'll get that looked into.
I think that's my main problem-- the reason I can't sleep anymore. My health is on the back burner because I can't afford to pay for everything I need. People tell me, "just watch what you eat," but it's so much more than watching what I eat. I'm popping a pill every day, 3 weeks out of the month that has an adverse affect in itself on blood sugar control. It's frustrating in itself when people are telling me to take care of myself and giving me all these suggestions that really won't even help me. It's hard to tell them to back-off when I know they think they are trying to help me. Even the suggestions for a tubal end up making me angry. The side affects of a tubal are more bleeding and cramping. Hello?! Endometriosis----- extreme pain, heavy bleeding and extreme cramping. It's already hard to function as it is with that. They would not even do the surgery unless my blood sugar is under control. Thank you birth control... and lack of money. It's crazy. I'm afraid of my future and I can't turn that off at night or even during the day.
On a good note, I have lost weight. 15 pounds of weight. Thus far it's had no affect on lowering my blood sugar. I thought by 10lbs I would see some kind of difference but I haven't. I will admit, I do fall off the wagon. I have a few pieces of fun sized candy or a small amount of ice cream from time to time when we're watching a movie but I have not had a full candy bar in a VERY long time. I can't even remember when that was. So it's a start. I can only do it a day at a time and hopefully soon I won't even give in to the fun size candies. The thought of eating a regular size candy bar is repulsive honestly. The next step after I conquer the candy thing is the potatoes, white rice and white flour products. I've done well to not buy cookies and oreos! It's an accomplishment that I wish the people who are offering me suggestions would take into consideration before they completely devour any self-esteem that I've gained. Baby steps--- unfortunately. The fact that I can't wear my pants without having to constantly pull them up... you would think they would back off a little bit and let me do this my way. I guess not. And it makes me feel like a horrible person. It really does. Because I slip up and have a couple of small piece of candy.... Is that so bad? Go ahead and slap the cuffs on me now.
I need to stop ranting. I guess now that it's 2am, I can may be pull out the iPod and try to get some sleep. I hope all is well with everyone!
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
Insomnia
Bad case. I just can't sleep! Last night I couldn't hold my head up, I was in so much pain that I kept doing the head bob----- In the bathtub, brushing my teeth, etc. Tonight? I just can't fall asleep, no matter what I do. There are a few positions that I find myself in less pain all around.... that didn't even work. There has to be something I can do to go to sleep easier without the use of medication. I've tried so many things-- listening to music, not listening to music, bath, shower, no drinking before bed (except when I take my birth control! A necessary drink!), no eating.... Nothing is working. I'm a mess. I need sleep. 4am right now.
Daddy D has been back at work for a week now. Chaos has ensued with the girls wanting daddy. We've curved it a little bit by shopping for their halloween costumes. This year I have Cinderella and Belle. We got them from the Disney store. They're adorable.... Why don't I run in tangents today?
I talked to my mom. She's doing all right but having a hard time being there and dealing with all the ailments that her family has been going through. She told me one of her sisters looks like she's almost gone and she can't take it. She's the 9th child out of 10. I can't imagine having that many siblings let alone being a younger one. That's a lot of heartache to go through. She has already lost about half of them to various things that I'd rather not discuss. So it has to be hard. My Aunt just lost my uncle and I'm sure she's sad about that and feeling the loss of my dad all over again. It hurts to know she's not happy right now. I miss her so much. I should call her tonight, it's 11am there right now. But she may have already gone out for the day. I miss her, I'm so used to calling her when Daddy D is at work and now... I still can't. September 14---- Where are you?
You know, I really don't have much to blog about right now. I don't really want to talk about all the problems I'm having, or anything like that and I've lost most of my old blog links for the blogs I used to read. I need to find more blogs to read! I need more blog friends, I think. I guess I'll need to find a way to slow the rotation of the earth just a little bit to give an extra hour in the day to find some blog friends----- *sigh* Anyone have an idea on how to accomplish that?
I'm done rambling.
Daddy D has been back at work for a week now. Chaos has ensued with the girls wanting daddy. We've curved it a little bit by shopping for their halloween costumes. This year I have Cinderella and Belle. We got them from the Disney store. They're adorable.... Why don't I run in tangents today?
I talked to my mom. She's doing all right but having a hard time being there and dealing with all the ailments that her family has been going through. She told me one of her sisters looks like she's almost gone and she can't take it. She's the 9th child out of 10. I can't imagine having that many siblings let alone being a younger one. That's a lot of heartache to go through. She has already lost about half of them to various things that I'd rather not discuss. So it has to be hard. My Aunt just lost my uncle and I'm sure she's sad about that and feeling the loss of my dad all over again. It hurts to know she's not happy right now. I miss her so much. I should call her tonight, it's 11am there right now. But she may have already gone out for the day. I miss her, I'm so used to calling her when Daddy D is at work and now... I still can't. September 14---- Where are you?
You know, I really don't have much to blog about right now. I don't really want to talk about all the problems I'm having, or anything like that and I've lost most of my old blog links for the blogs I used to read. I need to find more blogs to read! I need more blog friends, I think. I guess I'll need to find a way to slow the rotation of the earth just a little bit to give an extra hour in the day to find some blog friends----- *sigh* Anyone have an idea on how to accomplish that?
I'm done rambling.
Saturday, August 09, 2008
"Stop and Stare. I think I'm moving but I go nowhere."
Beware of the long update post:
This has been a frustrating summer. Daddy D was gone for a week at a teachers conference and I think that's when everything, for me anyway, started to go downhill. Before he left we started the whole ordeal with trying to refinance our house with the current interest rate. Which turned out to be a hassle in itself. We needed me on the second mortgage, and it turns out I was still dead with the credit bureau (sp? I never spell it right), so it opened a nice big fat can of worms. I spent days on the phone. When I found out which card it was and I called the company they were like "before we help you, we see a big problem which we will take care of. Before we start that, may I ask what are you calling about." My only words were "You reported me as deceased." Them-- "Yeah, that is the big problem we are seeing." My dad and I shared one credit card. And because he died, they labelled me as deceased as well. Which explains why I have not been able to get any credit at all or even apply for a new card. Nice reminder of what a death can do not only mentally and emotionally (ugh, I really miss him!). It finally got fixed, paid to have the house appraised at a horrible price of $350. Then Jon went to his conference, both of us thinking the mortgage would be ready to be signed when he got back.
I went through my week of stress with two toddlers by myself who are most definitely daddys girls. It was hard, my nerves were shot and still have no recovered. But we did a lot of going out, a lot of shopping. The kids had fun--- Nature museum visits, eating out a lot... things like that. Well, I guess I'm not afraid to out the company name, I do not owe them discression.... East Coast Mortgage has a full week to get everything they needed. When I was asked to fax something to them, it would be there within 24 hours, usually less than that. Daddy D came back, ready to sign. The HUD for the second mortage isn't finished! We wait until the next day... did I mention we told them we wanted this DONE before August 1st. Daddy D came back on the 25th from his conference. They were supposed to come on the 29th, we rescheduled for the same day, even told my work I would be late because it was pushed from 2:30 to sometime between 4:30 and 5pm... but like I said the paperwork was not finished. We finally though August first we'd sign. They were 15 minutes late getting to our house, then they call to make sure we have a certified check for $1100. We were told no cash at closing. They're late for signing and calling to make sure we have that amount that we were never told about?! It's a Friday, I had to work, there's no way to get to the bank to get that kind of money in that amount of time. We said we'd call back Monday. Long story short--- We didn't get the loan. Why? Because people had a full month to get what they needed to do done and tell us everything we need to know and they would not extend the interest rate for us again. I'm not sure too many people can get a certified check for $1100 with absolutely no advance notice. We could have arranged it over the month we were doing this. So we were out $350 that we needed to use to pay the mortgage this month. We were expecting to skip a payment since they said everything was fine. They won't refund it even though it is their fault. And we have to rearrange things to make sure we can get everything paid. I guess we'll sell the house sooner now. Who knows? Maybe we will try to refinance next summer. I'm so tired of the set backs just when we're getting on top.
On top of that--- I have to have $4000 in dental work done because of something my orthodontist did when I had my braces taken off. My insurance covers $1000, if I don't fix it now, I could end up needing 5-8 root canals. I went in for treatment for an abcess under my gum and got that news, fun, isn't it? They saw me immediately the next day to get started. I have to go back Monday to work on 5 more teeth.
I'm up at 2:30 am, we're pretty much out of groceries. We're literally getting creative with what we can mix. And I'm asking myself.... should I just go and charge it? The answer is obviously yes. Or we'll turn to eating out which we've already done that. The only good thing about being up this late is that I got to talk to my mom for the first time in almost 2 weeks because it's later in the morning where she is. She's not having a good time and I miss her. The only good news I really have is that Jena was successful in switching from a crib to a bed. It's been over a month now and there have been no problems [yet]. And I also got a promotion at work--- which gives me my first ever salaried job. Yay? Maybe I'll celebrate later, I've been doing it for a month now so the excitement is gone but I do enjoy the job a lot! It's hard work but I get a lot out of it and that's what I'm looking for at this point in time.
I've attached myself to this song because it's basically how I feel right now:
OneRepublic--- Stop and Stare
This town is colder now,
I think it's sick of us
It's time to make our move,
I'm shakin off the rust
I've got my heart set,
On anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself,
Counting up the years
Steady hands, just take the wheel...
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal...
For the life I lead
Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here, not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see
They're tryin to come back,
All my senses push
Un-tie the weight bags,
I never thought I could...
Steady feet, don't fail me now
Gonna run till you can't walk
But something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down...
Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, you don't need
What you need, what you need...
Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Oh, do you see what I see...
This has been a frustrating summer. Daddy D was gone for a week at a teachers conference and I think that's when everything, for me anyway, started to go downhill. Before he left we started the whole ordeal with trying to refinance our house with the current interest rate. Which turned out to be a hassle in itself. We needed me on the second mortgage, and it turns out I was still dead with the credit bureau (sp? I never spell it right), so it opened a nice big fat can of worms. I spent days on the phone. When I found out which card it was and I called the company they were like "before we help you, we see a big problem which we will take care of. Before we start that, may I ask what are you calling about." My only words were "You reported me as deceased." Them-- "Yeah, that is the big problem we are seeing." My dad and I shared one credit card. And because he died, they labelled me as deceased as well. Which explains why I have not been able to get any credit at all or even apply for a new card. Nice reminder of what a death can do not only mentally and emotionally (ugh, I really miss him!). It finally got fixed, paid to have the house appraised at a horrible price of $350. Then Jon went to his conference, both of us thinking the mortgage would be ready to be signed when he got back.
I went through my week of stress with two toddlers by myself who are most definitely daddys girls. It was hard, my nerves were shot and still have no recovered. But we did a lot of going out, a lot of shopping. The kids had fun--- Nature museum visits, eating out a lot... things like that. Well, I guess I'm not afraid to out the company name, I do not owe them discression.... East Coast Mortgage has a full week to get everything they needed. When I was asked to fax something to them, it would be there within 24 hours, usually less than that. Daddy D came back, ready to sign. The HUD for the second mortage isn't finished! We wait until the next day... did I mention we told them we wanted this DONE before August 1st. Daddy D came back on the 25th from his conference. They were supposed to come on the 29th, we rescheduled for the same day, even told my work I would be late because it was pushed from 2:30 to sometime between 4:30 and 5pm... but like I said the paperwork was not finished. We finally though August first we'd sign. They were 15 minutes late getting to our house, then they call to make sure we have a certified check for $1100. We were told no cash at closing. They're late for signing and calling to make sure we have that amount that we were never told about?! It's a Friday, I had to work, there's no way to get to the bank to get that kind of money in that amount of time. We said we'd call back Monday. Long story short--- We didn't get the loan. Why? Because people had a full month to get what they needed to do done and tell us everything we need to know and they would not extend the interest rate for us again. I'm not sure too many people can get a certified check for $1100 with absolutely no advance notice. We could have arranged it over the month we were doing this. So we were out $350 that we needed to use to pay the mortgage this month. We were expecting to skip a payment since they said everything was fine. They won't refund it even though it is their fault. And we have to rearrange things to make sure we can get everything paid. I guess we'll sell the house sooner now. Who knows? Maybe we will try to refinance next summer. I'm so tired of the set backs just when we're getting on top.
On top of that--- I have to have $4000 in dental work done because of something my orthodontist did when I had my braces taken off. My insurance covers $1000, if I don't fix it now, I could end up needing 5-8 root canals. I went in for treatment for an abcess under my gum and got that news, fun, isn't it? They saw me immediately the next day to get started. I have to go back Monday to work on 5 more teeth.
I'm up at 2:30 am, we're pretty much out of groceries. We're literally getting creative with what we can mix. And I'm asking myself.... should I just go and charge it? The answer is obviously yes. Or we'll turn to eating out which we've already done that. The only good thing about being up this late is that I got to talk to my mom for the first time in almost 2 weeks because it's later in the morning where she is. She's not having a good time and I miss her. The only good news I really have is that Jena was successful in switching from a crib to a bed. It's been over a month now and there have been no problems [yet]. And I also got a promotion at work--- which gives me my first ever salaried job. Yay? Maybe I'll celebrate later, I've been doing it for a month now so the excitement is gone but I do enjoy the job a lot! It's hard work but I get a lot out of it and that's what I'm looking for at this point in time.
I've attached myself to this song because it's basically how I feel right now:
OneRepublic--- Stop and Stare
This town is colder now,
I think it's sick of us
It's time to make our move,
I'm shakin off the rust
I've got my heart set,
On anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself,
Counting up the years
Steady hands, just take the wheel...
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal...
For the life I lead
Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here, not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see
They're tryin to come back,
All my senses push
Un-tie the weight bags,
I never thought I could...
Steady feet, don't fail me now
Gonna run till you can't walk
But something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down...
Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, you don't need
What you need, what you need...
Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Oh, do you see what I see...
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