Do I prepare now for a life of hell later?

I'm not even sure how to title something like this. Holly's comment on my last post hit hard. But I'm not sure what I can do about it. Everything needs to change. And at this point, I'm thinking I joined a gym at the wrong time. Instead of going 3 days a week. I'm averaging between one and two. I get up in the morning and my foot is hurting so badly that I can barely walk on it.


How can I lose weight after an injury that bad? It's one thing to break one bone in your foot. But I pretty much broke all the main ones, dislocated everything and tore ligaments. This August will be almost seven years. I used to have perfectly controlled diabetes until the exercise factor was lost. I can barely get on the treadmill at the gym now. I tried yoga and I couldn't balance at all. I've lost all balance, all coordination and on top of that, I have neuropathy. I HATE THIS. I hate getting up in the morning. I have two beautiful children who love me and just want me to run around after them, but not even 5 minutes in something on me (leg area) starts to ache.

I decided to get on the ball about trying to get medicine. I've been reluctant to take insulin but I did for the passed week. I gain 7 lbs in a week. Insulin causes weight gain. This isn't good either. I feel like there is no answer. I feel like at this point, there isn't anything I can do. The insulin I have at the house insulin my friend gave me because she switched to something else. I looked up with my insurance company, if I want to get my insulin monthy from a pharmacy here--- they won't pay for it. I have to get it mail order and get a 3 months supply.

This is what I'm looking at having to pay:
2 vials of humalog insulin for 3 months is $276.50.
1 vial of lantus for 3 months is $218.22, it's not covered at all.
I'll need 300 test strips for 3 months so I can test my blood HALF of the recommend time. 50 are $52.79. For 300 it's $316.74.

$811.46..... Lancets and syringes aren't even figured in. I don't know what to do. $270 if you divide it by 3 months but if I barely bring that in a week? What am I supposed to do? If so many americans are diabetics, why isn't there anything out there to help people who aren't low income but need the help? I didn't ask for diabeties. I didn't get it because I was overweight. I got it because a doctor gave me steriods without looking at my family history of diabetes and I have to suffer forever now. It's not right.

I think I just need to cry.

Ok... so, I looked into a digital pressure cooker but they're too expensive for me right now. Especially since I was in the ER all day Friday. That is a $200 trip to pay. I don't want to talk about what the doctor said. I had to take the kids with me and they were pretty behaved. The doctors gave the kids each a toy. Bee got a pink Ty beanie mouse which she calls her "bahby," and now she takes Bahby most places she goes. Hugs her and says "aww sweet," and pats it on the back. The kids are just getting so big. I'm starting to look forward to the days where they can really have a conversation with me. Not a made up conversation. Real life, thoughts and things like that.


So, anyway... I haven't been to the gym in a week and we've ordered too much food out. I haven't even gone to the grocery store this week. I would usually do it on Thursday or Friday, but Thursday I was too tired, and Friday I was in the ER until time to go to work.


Motivation----

A lot of people say, "they just can't help themselves" and they go out and get these things. I wonder if that's my case? I do, or at least I did these things because it's a time saver. I don't pick up food because thats what I want. It's just a time saver when I've run out of time and everything is frozen. Thank you, Holly for the pressure cooker idea. It would be a BIG help. I just have to be able to afford it.... eventually.

My question to myself and I'm not sure I can even answer myself is--- Why doesn't diabetes scare me more? I guess I haven't been able to get medicine for so long that I like to pretend that everything is okay. Even though I'm tired ALL the time. Run down, no energy. Can't sleep. Can't really function at all. A doctor at the ER offered to help me. He told me to set up scheduled appointments with him and he would work with my insurance and find a medicine that I can afford. So why am I not excited and jumping on this offer? It still takes money I don't have. But it's significantly less money than I would be spending if he didn't offer to treat me. I still have so many medical bills to pay from last year and I guess it's getting frustrating. I would like to have them paid off before I try to start getting medication regularly. *sigh* I need to win the lottery so I can pay everything off. And have a good start. Lottery.... costs money to try to win. Argh!


hmm, I had something else to type... But I lost it in my brain somewhere. IT was something good too but I guess not too important. You'd *think* I could remember what it is if it was important. But that's not always true. I'm a scatterbrain....

Warning: To those who take pictures. Do not wait 8-9 months to get your pictures developed. May be that's what I was going to say earlier? Yeah, I got off work yesterday at 8pm on the dot. And I didn't get home until after Midnight! The Kodak Picture make hates me! 631 pictures came out of that machine last night. 631 pictures.... 19 cents a print. Total almost $130. Yup. Lots of money. Now, I have to sort and organize all the pictures. Get some sent to my mom before she goes on her trip and..... We all know me and organization, us two do not mix. I try, and try..... it's going to take me forever!

I'm done ranting. 2 hours of work down, 8 to go!

My first collage.. well first one in yeeeeeeeears:





<3 !!! ..... Enjoy Memorial Day with your family..... !!! <3

Bad days...

I'm wondering how other people handle bad days. Especially when it comes to the other people in your life. For the last few days, I've had a lot of stuff to do. Between going to the gym, returing some things that need to be returned and making new purchases. I don't like having a short fuse with my children. They pretty much still babies and are expected to touch, scream and generally not listen when I take them out because they're just at that age. But I don't want to become Mom-zilla, and I feel it coming on. On top of that, my answer to it all... The tiredness, the stress, etc is to pick up food from somewhere. Usually Wendy's or McDonald's but sometimes like yesterday, Zaxby's. We've done this probably the last 4 days now. Because I've been tired and stressed with work and everything. But I cannot become a hermit and stay in the house. Not after I joined a gym. But Gym or not, things still need to get done. Kids still need to be taken with me. The amount of fast food we've eaten this week is ridiculous.

My mom left on Tuesday. When she was here she was actually cooking for us. But she left... Tuesday I didn't go anywhere, I made a crock pot roast. Wednesday, I resumed going to the gym. Somehow, I got conned into an aerobics class and trust me my body couldn't handle that. I was sore DURING the aerobics. But I still went to the mall afterward to get Lanie's hair cut and by some books. Of course, since Lanie did well, we got Chick-fil-a. I was so tired, so were the kids. We came home, walked up the stairs and took naps. I didn't wake up until 30 minutes before time to go to work. So, a quick call to my husband who was on his way home from work, resulted in Wendy's. And I believe after work that night we had Taco Bell. Thursday, we went to at least 5 different stores. That excursion resulted in $22 meal at Zaxby's.... Going all these places does place a lot of stress on me. In and out of the car with 2 kids constant and keeping them happy wherever were are. This makes me feel like I've had a bad day when I haven't. It was really just busy. Not bad.


There has to be a better way. What do you do with your families when you're gone all day? Or does this go away when the kids are in school? I'm tired of clogging all of our ateries. I maybe doing great going to gym at least twice a week, but I'm not really doing anything if I eat fast food this much. I love the kraftfoods.com website, that's a great site for quick meals but I still feel like that's too much. I've searched to see if there is somewhere that I could purchase a family meal (a real one, not KFC). And there just isn't one. There is dream dinners. 12 dinners you still need to prepare for $200+ per month. That's just too expensive. I don't know... I feel like as a wife and mother this should be stress that I can manage and figure out ways to get around it. Yet, it's not managed at all.


Ideas anyone?

Happy Belated Mother's Day!

I had to work a 10 hour shift on Mother's Day, but I got cards from my family, dinner out the night before and a "Chicken Soup for the Working Mother's Soul" book. It'll be interesting. I swapped it out for the current book that I have at work that I'm dying to finish. It's the first part of the Black Magicians trilogy. I didn't think I'd like it at first but now I'm hook and want to know what's going to happen.

I got my mom a nice little tote bag that has different bags in it. In each bag I put a few things I think she will need on a trip she's taking. She'll be leaving June 3rd and coming back September 14th. I'm going to miss her. I won't be able to talk to her a million times a day while she is back in her home country of Lebanon. And she's also going back to where we used to live-- Greece. I'm nervous. It seems like every summer there is political unrest in Lebanon. It usually ends by summer. I know I shouldn't worry, it's more that I can't talk to her 5 times a day for months. Bee started calling her Grams while she was here. It was cute. When mom comes back from her trip, my kids are going to be totally different! We've never been apart this long even though she lives almost 3 hours away.

Anyway... I'm getting teary-eyed! New subject.


My Bee is talking so well now. And she's the most affection kid in the world. I can barely stand it. All she wants to do most of the day is hug and kiss on someone. (She better cut that out when she's older!) When she gives hugs she says "awwwwwwwwwww Sweet!" It's adorable. I miss her so much when I go to work. She's so adorable. I'm starting to work on her numbers and letters. She's talking a lot more and even starting sentences like:

What's up.
What's that.
See this.
Whats these
All done
Get down.
Got book.
Got blue shoes.
Got balloon.
Go, go car.

Stuff like that. Definitely hitting some milestones early, and some later, but she's my baby girl.

My big girl is starting to learn how to spell and read. It's adorable and I miss her bedtime stores at night. I wish everyone could stay up until 11:30 or whenever I manage to walk in the door from work. She's excited. The only thing I'm working on with her developmentally is trying to get her to use the bathroom without her taking off ALL of her clothes. That's getting annoying... having to get her dress multiple times a day, but I'm sure she'll get it later. We keep telling her she won't be able to go to school unless she does these things and that eventually rattles her to the point where she'll learn... just for the sake of going to school.


I guess I have a lot to upgrade. I did finally join the second gym! So far I like it. It's rough on the foot but I'm hoping that will change soon. I really need to lose weight. All this extra weight is driving me and my health crazy. I'm going 3 days a week. Bee hasn't really taken to the child care center in there. But the woman watching them says if she leaves her alone for a few minutes, she's fine. Lanie wants to go every day. If I let her, she would pack my gym bag and drive me there. She gets excited for Monday, Wednesday and Friday.... she knows them as "Gym Days," it's really too funny. It's been work, I'm definitely out of shape. There is an eldery woman that goes and she's in better shape than I am. I wanted to do an aerobics class while I was here but I decided to just watch instead and boy am I glad I watched only. That has to be the toughest aerobics class EVER. Yet, this elderly woman did it without any problems! Argh!! I've got A LOT of self-improvement to do.


By the way, thank you for all of the book suggestions. I'm going to take a look into all of them. Since I really only have 2 more books coming out this year, and 2 in the Magicians Guild set are already out. So that leaves me with 4 books, after I finish the 3 I already have. I hope my kids like reading this much. Bee likes to open books and ask "What's that, what's this" to everything she sees. Bug has been a book worm forever. Maybe one day, we'll have a "family reading time!" Ok.... no more dreams into the future.


To all moms: I hope you had a great Mother's day even though I'm a little late on posting. I needed to spend time with my mommy. I don't know, I may be a little biased but I think she's the best mom in the world! ;o)