Remembering....

Sunday marks the 5 year anniversary of the day I lost my dad. It's always been a hard day for me.  5 years isn't a long time to be without my dad and of course just 10 days earlier we celebrate the Bug coming into the world. It was a time of raw and powerful emotions lumped into a hormonally challenging time. But there are reasons for me to write about it a day early. The first is that I have visitors--- dear friends, coming over on Sunday and the second is that it is on the forefront of my mind now.

My dad was always a wonder to me. He had Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis (PP-MS). There are 4 types. My dad had the rare and most aggressive form. It's left me in thought many times. During the attacks that MS brings on, you lose bodily functions and movement. And the worst part of it all is that-- You. Don't. Get. It. Back. Ever. It was horrible to watch over time. He was diagnosed when I was 6 years old. He went from cane to walking crutches to walker to wheel chair in less than 2 years time. With the remaining few years spent only in bed. The saddest part, and the hardest part of PP-MS is that your brain still functions. Through all the pain, deterioration and agony your mind works the same way unless you take hardcore medication which my dad did do the last 5 years or more of his life. 1988-2005 is how long he dealt with the crushing blow the MS delivers. 1988 is when I truly lost the man that was my father. The things I have seen him go through are life changing. They leave emotional wounds that run so deep that I never thought they could clot and begin to heal. He lost a lifetime. He was never able to just be there for us the way that most parents are there for their children. Showing up, catching them in the act of bad behavior, lectures, etc.

He knew we loved him, that I know. We had moments doing the only thing he could do which was watch TV--- Sports, Jeopardy, Price is Right, Family Feud, Wheel Of Fortune or enjoy a meal together. That is why I can't watch sports today. I always imagined what he was thinking in his head while watching baseball, hockey, basketball.... wondering how much he longed to be doing those things again. We lived in Greece most of my younger life and we'd eat my mom's wonderful Greek and Lebanese cooking and remember times we enjoyed. Of course, both of those were short lived as dad lost the ability to eat solid food and lost vision completely in one eye. This disease has the ability to take it ALL away. I broke crushed my foot almost 10 years ago. I had to learn how to walk again after 3 surgeries to insert and remove pins and screws. I thought THAT was awful and it drove me insane. But no.... Everything you take for granted that you can do every day---- gone when MS is involved. All except thinking about it and feeling it which has to be the worst prison. A punishment without a crime. Perhaps for PP-MS, a slow and painful death sentence. The even harder part for me was that PP-MS isn't even responsible for how my dad did die. He was neglected by a doctor, and passed away in a hospital of dehydration because he couldn't take care of his basic necessities and the doctors/staff weren't willing to help until the last minute. And obviously you can tell every year about this time that it was too late.

The light at the end of the tunnel is that I have memories of who my dad used to be before this disease took him. And the brightest moment for me is seeing him in my girls. Telling them about the meals, enjoying my mom's Greek and Lebanese cooking with them (which they do love) and seeing some of his personality, his heart and his nature in them. Watching them run and move freely and remembering a time when I couldn't do that myself. The day will come when I will tell them why one grandpa isn't here. They ask now, but the time isn't right yet. They know a version for younger ears. But one day, they'll learn why you should live your life the right way and do what you can for those who do the same for you. And you never take those people for granted. I changed a lot in 10 days. April 8th, 2005 I became a mother and my world opened up to all things and possibilities. April 18th, 2005 I learned what absolute absence really is and what it takes away. Sometimes, going back there in memories takes me back to a cold place. Other times, it takes me back to memories where my dad would re-light my birthday candles and sing happy birthday to me as many times as it took me to make a wish. Or cheer me on in Tee-Ball even if I ran to 3rd base first. It's those memories and the memories of the void that takes over when someone so dear is absent that snaps life back and reminds me that we can't really ever plan for tomorrow. It's not promised to anyone. PP-MS or not. It reminds me to work hard for the things that I want. Earn my life here with my family (does this sound like something from Saving Private Ryan? "Earn this") That's why we're here. To work hard, love each other and know that some day we will be remembered, it's up to us to live a life worthy of being remembered.




I hope he is resting in peace.

Has it really been so long?

I've been so busy lately that I haven't been able to hear myself think when I need to. Between a couple of emergency room trips, doctor visits, etc... all without insurance, I think I probably just couldn't even think about blogging. I had little snippets here and there on livejournal though. Wow... so aside from the Emergency Room trips... I'm doing well at work. I've gotten a couple of awards already. That's always a good thing. The kids are doing great... Bee will be one year old in less than a month. Hard to believe.. I thought I just had her!

I miss blogging a lot but I've found myself so tired that my eye has been twitching on and off for days. I need to just relax with a cold pack over my eye for a little while. So much has been on my mind. Especially.... probably due to the holidays, my dad. I came upon the realization that grieving doesn't actually "get better." You actually stop thinking about the fact that they aren't here after a certain period of time. But then there are times... and there always will be, where it still hits you like a ton of bricks because you haven't had in-depth thoughts for a while. Maybe this will be different... It's almost been 3 years. We'll see in 5 I guess. Right now.. that's where I stand with it. I guess.. See? I don't even know! Just thoughts. Random ravings of a really tired mother. When you're born, you cry while everyone is smiling at you... but it's turned around when you die. Life is just full of catch 22's. Only glitch is that... my kids didn't cry when they were born. The doctors had to tick them off for them to cry. So.. not sure how the applies to my kids. It is funny though.


See... ranting of a mad woman. That's what my blog title needs to be.

Anyway... kids, good. Me... good? Husband, good. Pictures with Santa... decent. I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday season and avoiding the crowds and "Sicknesses" as much as possible.


HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Ok, so I haven't blogged in a while. Daddy D is busy working outside all of the time. And when he's not outside, I'm at work. So it's been busy busy busy. Father's day was okay, at this point I'm not exactly sure what I got my husband. I know it was more than one thing. I know I got him a grill cover... oh yeah... pictures of the girls. They're getting big. As my body falls apart, it's getting harder to sleep and keep up with them. My birth control (IUD) is know to cause some sleeping problems and it's hit me head on! On top of that my blood sugar is 500+ all the time now. That doesn't do me any good especially since once I'm sleeping, it's hard to wake up. Learning that it does that has explained a lot of things about my life and the way I was growing up. But still... it's causing me headaches and other pains.

Back to Father's Day... I was okay with my father not being here this year until while checking someone out at work, this lady said "You young people always forget to call your dads on fathers day. Don't forget to call yours." I'm sure I made her feel six inches tall when I told her my dad recently passed away. She said she'd pray for him but she didn't say it with too much concern or even a second thought that she might have hurt my feelings. It's crazy how people just don't think before speaking anymore. My dad was sent to his grave by a doctor and it's something I've tried not to think about. I try to remember that he's better off but when she said that to me, it just... I don't know how to explain it other than it ripped a new hole in my heart. I always called him on Father's Day... and this year would've been no exception if he was here, or if I could call heaven or the afterlife or whatever.

Ok, I went a little to deep there for my own liking.... I miss reading blogs and being on the computer. But there is a lot going on and we're in and out all of the time. But since it's almost 2 and I'm awake, I'll post a good number of pictures. And I'll stop blogging here to go read my favorite blogs.


Pictures... pictures and more pictures!--- (it's what i do when my husband is outside)

"All of my regret will wash away somehow. But I cannot forget the way I feel right now."

Let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder,
Don't you know, the hardest part is over,
Let it in, Let your clarity define you in the end,
We will only just remember how it feels.
Our lives are made, in these small hours, these little wonders
These twists and turns of fate, time falls away,
But these small hours, these small hours, still remain.
Let it slide, let your troubles fall behind you, let it shine,
Till you feel it all around you,
And I don't mind if it's me you need to turn to, we'll get by,
It's the heart that really matters in the end.
Our lives are made, in these small hours, these little wonders
These twists and turns of fate, time falls away,
But these small hours, these small hours, still remain.
All of my regret, will wash away somehow,
But I cannot forgive the way I feel right now.
In these small hours, these little wonders, these twists and turns of fate,
All these twists and turns of fate,
These twists and turns of fate
Yeah, times falls away
But these small hours, these small hours, still remain.
They still remain, these little wonders,
All these twists and turns of fate time falls away,
But these small hours, these little wonders
Still remain.

"Little Wonders" -- Rob Thomas



Happy 62nd Birthday, dad.

Rest In Peace Dad

He's been gone two years today and I still think about him as much, if not more, as I did when he was alive. I miss him so much, and wish that I knew him better and that we could have done more. Most of my memories are from before I was a teenager, before he got really bad.

Thank you to those who sponsored me in the MS Walk. It's a great cause, if a handful of people don't have to go through what I went through.

Two years and two kids later...I remember that day so clearly. I was taking a lot of pictures of Bug. She was only 10 days old. I put her in a dress her Uncle T and Aunt S sent her, took pictures of her in our room. Then I put her in a sleeper and took pictures of her in her room. She fell asleep... and then the phone rang. I was informed by my niece's mother, that my dads heart stopped and that I should pack my things and head to Fayetteville (2hrs away). I called my husbands work, panicking... told him I was leaving. It was around 3 o'clock. He asked me to wait for him, that he'd get a substitute and come home. Not 30 minutes later I was told, "Don't rush home, he's already gone," by the same person. At first I thought it was a cruel joke, but by the time my husband made it through the door, I couldn't stop crying. I didn't get to say good bye. I didn't get to tell him I loved him. The last time I talked to him was when I told him I was heading to the hospital to have Lanie. He said "you'll do good, I love you." I love you too were my last words. But does "I love you, too" last ten days?

Pictures of Bug that I took that day, 10 days old:










Jena at 10 days old:


I love you, dad. And I miss you more than you ever would have thought.

in a funk...

I can't stop thinking about my dad lately and I guess it's because April 18th is coming just around the corner. The last time I was at my dads grave (February 17th), I left a picture of Bee poking out of the foam core that was in flower vase. My mom went there today... all the flowers, the American flag and the foam core was blown away by the wind but the picture of Jena was still in the bottom of the empty vase. When she saw it, she called me crying. She goes there on a bi-weekly basis and never saw it until now. We both got choked up and started reminiscing our regrets and our happy times with him. There's so much more I regret though. The hardest one came to memory just randomly while I was driving back this weekend from a trip to Richmond. Not much else to do on a 4 1/2 hour drive... My dad slept in the bedroom, my mom slept on the couch in the den. At night my dad would call her but my mom isn't a light sleeper by any means, however, I've never really been able to sleep at night (until I had kids) and I would be awake in my room listening to him call her and I'd ignore it. If I needed something, I would take a detour so he couldn't see me walking by his room. I guess having all the rooms set in an circular fashion allowed for that. Then when I moved to college, I could hear him calling for my mom in my room and I'd get homesick, hop in my car, drive home, and do the same thing... just listen to him call her, me or anyone. On the rare occasions that I did answer, I copped an attitude and told him people need to sleep and he should only call when he needed something. Aren't I just so nice?

Then after I met my husband, he only wanted to talk to him. When I'd go in there to talk to him, he'd ask for my husband. My mom let me in on a little secret... when we were visiting, he wanted to sleep with his dentures in, in case my husband popped in to talk to him.. he didn't want to be without his teeth. My dad didn't deserve MS, and he didn't deserve the way he was treated.. even if I was young and stupid. Even if I was treating my parents the way all kids treat their parents. Wishing I was something better now is a mout point, that much I understand, but it doesn't hurt any less. And the only thing I can do is stress to people to tell your parents you love them and to thank them for everything they've done.

Wordless Wednesday-- (on a monday!)

My dad and my niece about two months before he died...






This post is going to be up for the next week. This week is MS Awareness week. And it's made me remember that I've signed up to do the MS Walk. I haven't been able to fundraise with the addition of a newborn to our family. I know I won't make my $1,000 goal, but I can at least make as much of an effort as possible, right? Thank you to the two people who have donated thus far, it really means a lot to me.


Anyway, MS is devastating to any and everyone with it. My dad will have been gone two years in April and it's still hard for me to even remember his life because he was in pain for all the years that we were alive together. I miss him and I remember him losing all his abilities, his sight, being able to eat, use the bathroom on his own... shower on his own. I remember him screaming at night. I remember him asking me to try to move his leg and then screaming from the pain of it but he still needed it to be moved. I remember him having to watch TV through a mirror because he needed to be turned the other way. I remember him being drugged to the point where he had to be woken up to get his daily blended meals. I remember him being lonely but having no new stories to tell so he'd tell the same ones over and over again to anyone who would listen.


MS hurts... I recently found out a good family friend may have it. So I'm walking again, hoping somehow, some way other children don't have to see their parents suffer.

If you'd like to donate/help here's the link:

MS Walk

Don't feel obligated.... comments are just as nice. Thanks for looking!

Thinking about everything and nothing at all...

I haven't visited my moms house since August or September of last year. I can't even remember if I went to my dads grave or not. April will be 2 years since his death and I doubt I'll be able to make it back before then... So hopefully, I'll be going to his grave this weekend... without the kids, without anyone. That got me thinking... why do we bring flowers to the dead? When did that start and what was the original thought? My mom told me on Valentines Day she took a balloon there and let it go in hopes that it would reach him... We ALL know it won't though. Even she knows it, so doesn't false hope do more harm than good? If there is a spiritual life, certainly nothing from the living world could cross it. Hence why when we die, nothing else goes with us. I don't know... it's just a thought. I find myself scared to go to the cemetary for some reason. I even feel like the second I walk into her house I'll be struggling to fight back tears. I think of my dad often, but it doesn't seem to be enough to ward off the hurt of his death. Recently, a lot of memories came to mind about him, not all good ones. Not even most of them were good. Just a couple of them were sweet. Maybe it won't be as bad as I think.

Yesterday, I kept myself busy all day and got a couple of pictures on the computer:




















Today, I'm just tired and found a new way to blog a little more..... while nursing! It's not like I can do too many other things while nursing. Certainly not the dishes or the laundry. And that's all she wrote.... hope everyone has a lovely weekend.