Life, now.

Wow, it's been a while. I received a few emails from fellow bloggers, and some facebook messages so I figured I would come on here and force myself to update. Life has become hard. Although, I am proud to say I haven't been in the hospital since June 20th! A big improvement for this year. I usually find myself in the hospital a few times a month. One of the big problems I have had is the feeding tubes. I have two of them, one in my stomach, and one in my intestine. The one in my intestine has coiled back in my stomach so much that I've had it replaced four times. Their last idea last month worked, although it is more painful. They put in a bigger longer tube and now it seems to be staying put. I was able to gain some weight and eat a little bit over the last month, but of course the consequences are painful. One of the reasons that I haven't been in the hospital is the realization that they can't do anything for me except give me pain and nausea medication through IV and all that does is give me a break. Ultimately, I always go back to the same starting point. I figure, it's just an expensive break and I choose now to attempt to struggle through it at home. There are treatment options that I can explore but I feel are too drastic to consent to. Stomach removal, and gastric bypass are options but do nothing ultimately for the pancreatitis. Pancreas removal, partial or full is an option but would alter my life significantly forever. A pancreatic nerve block is an option but only works 50% of the time. So, I choose to not follow through with any of those options at this time. If I were older than 29, and the chances of improvement were more than slim to none then of course I would have a different decision to make. All of those options at this time would change my life more so that it already has been changed and come with their own separate set of problems. Do I live with pain everyday already? Yes. But right now, I am still holding onto the hope of a different outcome that would at least make life tolerable. I am on so much medication that it is crazy. Normally if a person takes 8mg of dilaudid, they are at least knocked out. Not for me. That 8mg of diluadid is also mixed in with another pain killer, a series of uppers and sleep medication. Yet, I find myself unable to sleep most of the time. Sleep would probably come easier if it didn't cause so much pain just to breathe. During the day, I have learned to breathe shallowly as it's less painful, but eventually a deep breath is necessary and awful. A sneeze is typically described as an "Ah-coo" sound, however mine is now "ah-chouch!" Laughing even hurts, I just double checked because typing "ah-chouch" made me laugh a little bit!

With that being said, I will go ahead and confess--- I have found myself in a place that I can only describe as dark. It's very hard to admit, and very hard to realize. People say I am different now. And surely it is to be expected. I was never supposed to make it out of the ICU. The majority of people in the situation I found myself in, don't make it out. I should be thankful, yes, I know. My daughters now 6 and 4 still have their mother. Even though if at this point I find that all that's left of me is the shell. I feel like I've lost my spirit. I am more defensive and argumentative. When I remember who I used to be, I was fun and random. Quirky even. My life can no longer be that. I have to plan for pain. Sitting down hurts, so I need to either be completely vertical or completely horizontal. It's been almost a year since I have been able to work now. My savings has gone completely to the cost of medical care. And perhaps as early as the end of the year we may no longer be able to afford to live in our house. A weight and burden that's takes a heavy toll on one's soul.
I have always thought of myself as fortunate and lucky. While I do still consider myself those things, it's different now. I have a family and an obligation to them that I am unable to fulfill. My husband and I have always been able to do the things we love. He loves to teach, and that's what he does. I love to talk, and that's what I did at my job. I got paid very, very well just to do that. A task that I now find to make me more nauseated. At this point, I am unsure when I will be well enough to return to "work." I say "work," because I loved my job. I was great at it and it really didn't even feel like a job. I hope these feelings change. I want things to be different and I am pushing for it. No matter when that is, I find myself feeling like it will be too late to catch up. Part of me wishes this was my fault. That I was one of those people that just drank way too much alcohol and brought it on myself. But I didn't. In fact, I hate the taste of alcohol entirely. Anyway...

I want to take a minute (quite a few of them, actually) to thank the constants in my life. My family. All of them. While they may never read this, I still want to put it out there. From my husband and children, my in-laws and my friends who are my chosen family members. You've been amazing through all of this. When things seem like they can't get any darker the visits, text messages, even something as small as a missed call has had an impact on my life. I've missed so much of everyone's life, but you all make it seem like I was there. I don't remember New Years, my daughters birthday, or barely even my birthday because I was incapacitated but it doesn't feel that way because I know they were all there. They've smiled for me when I couldn't bring myself to smile. Dried my tears when I thought I have cried all I could cry. Held my hand and been there for me, for us, for my family when I couldn't. There are no words that could possibly convey how grateful, thankful, appreciative (I know I just said no words!), and humbled I am.

There is also one other constant that has been in my every day life that perhaps maybe I have taken for granted in the past but now feel I need to mention and thank. It's not a person, per SE. I have turned to it before when I needed strength and inspiration. It's always there when I need it. And this year more than ever, it's been there for me when I was in a hospital that was too far for my family to come see me often. Whenever everyone was asleep. When I was in pain, in more darker moments than I even find myself in now. It's music. It's always with me (Thank you iPhone~!). There are a lot of "things" we have that we take for granted and I never truly appreciated music until this year. March, specifically. I always listened to music, but I hear it differently now. It takes me places I can't take myself, emotionally and spiritually.

In March, I found myself isolated. Alone in a hospital that was too far for my family and friends to come visit more than once a week. I was there almost the entire month. After spending all of January, and 99% of February in a different hospital. In hospital time, it felt like years. Life of course had to go on without me. I knew that. My daughters still needed to be attended to and loved. So, I retreated back to music, and back to one musical group in particular. A group that my husband introduced me to when we first met. We went to their concerts when they were on our side of the country, and I even was able to obtain autographs by sneaking around back to the venue almost 8 years ago. When I heard them for the first time, I loved it. I listened to their music over and over again. But honestly, I don't think I really heard them until this year. Until March. I listened to them so much when I was pregnant with my first daughter that their music soothed her as a baby. When she was a baby, she called them "treasure," and still asks to listen to "treasure," even today.

Who is this musical group that I have listened to day in and day out since March? Their name is Dredg. And like I said, I really never truly heard them until this year. I used to pick and choose which songs I listened to, but I no longer do that. I turn on my I-pod, go to Dredg, hit all songs and shuffle. From the moment I start it, to the moment it stops playing I KNOW I am going to hear 97 songs, for 5 hours, 46 minutes and 15 seconds. What am I going to hear? Everything. They deliver to me every emotion I have ever felt. From darkness, to pain, to happiness, inner soul searching. They do what no other musical group has done for me--- they say what everyone in the world is thinking or has thought in their lifetime. When I am in pain, and want to know that other people have felt pain; they give me that. When I feel like my life is dark, and I need to know other people have been in dark places, that it's not just me; they give me that. I know their music so well at this point that I could speak in nothing but their lyrics. I could answer questions and have conversations with just their lyrics. It's not just music and vocals to them, it's instruments too. I can take their words and incorporate them into my life without ever knowing the story behind them. Even the instrumentals are moving to me as well. It takes talent to be able to make your audience apply their own life, feelings and meanings so effortless, they seem to make it for me. The rainbow of emotions they themselves put into their work just flows freely to me now. I actually HEAR them, and feel it and I don't feel so alone on nights like these when I can't sleep. I may never know their story behind the words or behind their sounds but that seems to matter less to me now than it did before. I always asked "why was this written, what is the meaning behind it?" Music isn't about that anymore, not for me. Dredg also has always had impeccable timing with their releases. While in the hospital in March my husband sent me a message with a link to a song they just released this year called "The thought of losing you." The time, like I said was impeccable. And you can probably guess by the title of the song that it was one that hit home for me, for my family and for my husband.

Do I still listen to other things, yes. Even stuff that I consider mindless fluff? Yep~! Sometimes fluff is good. But this year, I needed more. I wanted to know that other people ask themselves the same questions, wonder the same things, feel the same feelings, have been to the point of no return and came out able to share it, and the most important feeling I found. Hope. A present that I will cherish forever.

Here are some lyrics that I love:

"Maybe you've never seen it, maybe you've never been through it. It's the only way to understand. Save your clever statements. Brave your severed view of it. It's the only way to understand it."-- Convalescent

"Pessimistic yes, it may seem. But if you’ve been there, you know what I mean.
A struggle and suffering that won’t go away. It won’t go away."-- Stamp of Origin: Horizon

"The thought of losing you is not an option. The thought of losing you never was. The thought of losing you is not an option, it's not an option. After all this pain, the pain's no more. After all this pain, the pain endured. After all this pain I'll be sure that the future is bright. Come follow me."-- The Thought of Losing You

"We’re drawn together by accident. We’ll be forever with these words and melodies they’ll guide us through this speck in time. We’re trying to get the missed attempts.
We are forever with these words and memories they’ll guide us through this night."-- Mourning this Morning

"Was put in a round room and told to sit in the corner."-- Light Switch

"Pages of happiness to be read, although that book hasn't been published yet. Feeling like we've been through this all before. You'll get over it."-- Where I'll End Up

"It's not that simple. I've needed it from the start. To guide my way. To be okay. I've needed this from the start to wake up. If all else fails, if all turns to dust. We'll set sail on a ship built from trust. If all else fails, if all starts to rust we'll set sail on a ship built for us."-- Not That Simple

"I'm the addict on the corner. I'm the lawyer in the tower. I'm the body with the coroner. No, the leader with all the power. You're the pillow, the cool side. The sand during high tide. The cocktail, poolside. The water when clouds collide. From the inside out we were formed. From the inside out we will fall. Soon this all will come to an end."-- Sang Real

"Never content nor satisfied,
Intentions of self,
Massacre change and history,
Borderline paranoia,
Yelling out their own right…
Does anybody feel this way?
Does anybody feel like I do?
Half of me is gone,
The lonesome part is left,
I cannot find the other half."-- The Canyon Behind Her.

"Watch it explode
While it’s not impossible for flowers to bloom and grow,
Next to graves, and babies are born in the same buildings where people go,
To pass away, to pass away…
Pleading with nothing,
Why don’t we lecture about something?
Protest the way, we’re passive today."-- Triangle

"I can’t even concentrate on this,
It’s over thought, anticipated,
The pen ink is running dry,
It’s been thrown to paper and wasted,
Creativity has been blocked and over tasted,
Maybe in time, I’ll appreciated it…"-- Sanzen


Who am I kidding? I like them all. And would have to put all of them here. If you haven't checked them out, you should. Well, that's my update. I don't know when it'll happen again. Like I said, sitting hurts... a lot. I hope that everyone is well and perhaps found some new music to listen to. After you check them out, check out The Canvas Waiting. Maybe my next blog update will be about them. ;)

School Uniforms?

Ok, so while shopping for my daughters Cinderella brush, which I ended up ordering off of Ebay after I went to a few stores today and they don't have any. That's not the point of this post though so let me get to that.

While I found the brush at Target.com (not sold in stores), I ran into a great school uniform sale. The school that she goes to requires school uniforms in the designated colors. I decided to research this a little bit, and found that the Middle Schools and High Schools in our area do not require uniforms. What is that? Middle School and High School have the kids that actually care about what they wear, and let fashion distract them from other things. That doesn't really happen at all in Elementary School. I could see them needing to look the same on school field trips. But I really don't think in the actual school, they'd need to look the same. I do figure I will find her some items she'll enjoy in her school colors and also give these to her for her birthday... I just really think it's pointless for Kindergartners.

Then there's the fact that all of the clothes will be new and she'll be painting and playing outside with them while she is there. So, they're going to get dirty. There will have to be enough of them to get through to Laundry day so we'd definitely need 7 of everything. She has drawer space to section off her school clothes, but again this is just pointless.  It feels like a waste of money, and she'll be at this school until 5th grade? Really? Uniforms until then? Does anyone else have children who have to wear uniforms when they are in school?  There is a website called French Toast School Uniforms that has pieces a great prices.  If you spend $65, you'll get free shipping as well. I am shopping and blogging at the same time.

All this talk about clothes has reminded me of the milestone we hit today. While looking for the girls Easter dresses, we discovered the Bug is no longer getting clothes from the Toddler section. She is officially considered a "girl" now. Thankfully, we'll be there for a while before she moves to "Junior" status. But it was a sweet milestone. She seemed excited to move around the section and see what was there. She did seem to notice that the clothes were slightly different in style. The girls did pick their own dresses. My Buggie picked a dress that has a ladybug, and my BeeBee picked a dress that has bees on it.  Our outings today were rather abundant. We spent 4 or 5 hours going to different places. We picked up Bugs invites for her birthday party, and some Easter basket things for their cousins. We also had to pick up some things for the girls Easter party, and our Easter Egg hunt. We had a great lunch out at Macado's too, and the Disney Store, then we went to Target.

It's been hard to go anywhere lately so it was nice to get out for a little while with everyone. I am still carrying around about 4 different pill bottles just in case something happens or I get one of those attacks. We've ruled out several things at least. The problem they tell me with abdominal pain is that it could be anything in there. The location of the pain doesn't really matter because there's so much in there. It's a slow process. It's a lot of tests. It could be a lot of things. We've ruled out digestive disorders. We've ruled out diabetes. At this point, my husband, friends and my family are on pins and needles. They're worried, and I've gotten to the point where I have no choice but to take it a day at a time and each time an episode comes on, try to pay attention to the patterns. So far the only pattern I see is that it pretty much only starts when I get up in the morning and it's every 5-12 days. That's all I've got. I try to sleep straight through it so that I can avoid as much pain as I possibly can. We get more test results in the next day or so, then move on to more testing if we haven't solved the problem. We have even stopped making plans to go places, do anything or hang out because we don't know when it's going to happen again.

It's really an awful thing to go through, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone--- not even someone I dislike. Keep your fingers crossed for me.  Redmosqui has tomorrow off from work so I can call for my test results. Then after 4 more days of work he'll be off for a week. Then in 2 more months, he'll be off for the entire summer which makes all this tag team on and off worth it. He gets so much time off during the year that it doesn't really cut into family time too much. I was also able to get a week off for his birthday in June, and a week off to see bug into her new kindergarten role in August.  I am hoping this health thing will all be figured out well before then so we can still go on a family vacation.  Anyway, I am on some pretty good meds, and am done rambling for right now. Will update again when I get my test results. Hoping they are ready tomorrow!

Weekly update. (all I have time for right now)

A coworker asked me to make her cupcakes for her baby shower. Here is what I did for her. These weren't exactly the finished product. There were several touch ups that were made but it took forever to finish up. So, I don't have the picture of what it looked like in the end. One of my best friends came over, kept me company, and helped out by doing piping and melting the chocolate so we could stick the decorative pacifiers in there. 






She said she loved them. I dropped them off at her house the same day. Her baby shower was today. Cake is hard work. Maybe one day when I am better, I can open up a bakery and have my friend partner with me. It's a dream, but I've noticed lately that if there was ever something that I've wanted, and wanted it bad enough, I get it. So, I have started thinking about that recently, not sure if I really want it. It would be wonderful if I could decorate cake and pastries all day instead of what I am doing now, but I also love my job and talking to people, helping them out when I can. I am always so protective over those that I am close to,  if they need something they know they can just call or talk to me and I will do what I can for them. This job gives me a chance to expand that to others.  The people I talk to notice that as well. It's great to hear that even if I don't get them in with the company, that I still helped them by talking to them. It feels good.


Health update: 
In other news, today was another horrible day. I made it 11 days without having an "attack" of whatever is going on. My radiation scan test was on Thursday, I am hoping by Monday, the radiologist would have looked into it and given me the results so we can move on to more testing, or hopefully find out what is going on. This is seriously taking away from my life right now. I had to call out of work again today, and I hate doing that. I enjoy being at work, and being with my coworkers. I did get another new symptom recently, which has to do with my last post. I am bleeding more easily and a lot longer than usual. Even basic blood sugar checks have become tedious due to excessive bleeding. Argh! Need to figure it out soon because right now, we're struggling. I am lucky that I have great friends who check on me and help us out when we need it.

Kids:
12 days until my bug is 5 years old. I decided on a castle cake for her with some plastic turrets to display the Cinderella figures that I feel like I harassed the Disney store to get last year.  Now she's wanting a Cinderella hair brush. I know I'll eventually find it but probably not in time for her birthday. I guess Tinkerbell (what her brush is now) is getting old for her. Bee is trying to grow up too quickly too. She hopped on Bugs tricycle and actually fit on it. So maybe if there is more beautiful North Carolina weather, we can get her on it and let her start practicing.
My niece and my mom came over as well when I had my test on Thursday. All three girls had fun and there were lots of tears when it came time for them to leave. A few highlights of the visits were them wearing their princess nighties. We also did Family Fun Night at McDonald's. Hamburger Happy Meals were 99 cents, and it was a Star Wars night there as well. All three had a blast. My mom wanted to hang out at the house to rest, but instead of resting---- She cleaned up my house. I made sure to tell my mom how much I love her, and how awesome she really is before she left. 2 days wasn't long enough. The house across the street from me is going for $99,000... which is way under what it is worth. I would love to buy it and keep it as a place for my mom to stay when she's here, but she won't be here often enough to warrant it, and she doesn't want to leave the house she's been in for 16 years either. *Sigh* Here are the girls in their princess nighties;




We also had a trip to the fire department last week. Bug made sure to tell the Fireman that if he ever has to come to our house, he has to save our Chi-Wow-Wow, Penny. He told her not to worry. He'd save her chi-wow-wow. He was an excellent speaker, especially to kids. He was fun, funny and made them and adults laugh.  Here are some pictures:





















I am glad we got to go on the field trip with the class. They also learned about police officers, dentists, ambulance drivers, postal service workers and several others. Definitely things that staying at home wouldn't teach them. It also gets them thinking about what they want to do when they're older. Bug has decided on Dentist but only for people with good teeth, she says. They also taught Bug about 911, how to call and when. They took tours of an Ambulance and Firetrucks. Hopefully this week my friend and I can get birthday pictures, and Easter pictures taken care of for the girls. They're getting so big, more work, but more fun as well. Hard to believe Bug will be in her Preschool cap and gown for graduation in May.

They're also learning about Easter! We decided to do an egg hunt in our backyard this year, and I am going to make a ham and a few others things for dinner. Sunday is pretty much my only weekend day off. So we decided since I don't have to work Easter, we'd just stay home and enjoy the day all together as a family,  play, watch movies and just... stay in our jammies all day! Except the egg hunt of course. Hopefully we'll get to do it outdoors, weather permitting. I have a really awesome idea that I am going to implement for the egg hunt that I think the girls will love. I hope everyone is having a great week and weekend. Look forward to catching up on reading blogs and commenting tomorrow in between planting  pansies, and hopefully using up most of the 50 bags of mulch we purchased.

Ok... so, I looked into a digital pressure cooker but they're too expensive for me right now. Especially since I was in the ER all day Friday. That is a $200 trip to pay. I don't want to talk about what the doctor said. I had to take the kids with me and they were pretty behaved. The doctors gave the kids each a toy. Bee got a pink Ty beanie mouse which she calls her "bahby," and now she takes Bahby most places she goes. Hugs her and says "aww sweet," and pats it on the back. The kids are just getting so big. I'm starting to look forward to the days where they can really have a conversation with me. Not a made up conversation. Real life, thoughts and things like that.


So, anyway... I haven't been to the gym in a week and we've ordered too much food out. I haven't even gone to the grocery store this week. I would usually do it on Thursday or Friday, but Thursday I was too tired, and Friday I was in the ER until time to go to work.


Motivation----

A lot of people say, "they just can't help themselves" and they go out and get these things. I wonder if that's my case? I do, or at least I did these things because it's a time saver. I don't pick up food because thats what I want. It's just a time saver when I've run out of time and everything is frozen. Thank you, Holly for the pressure cooker idea. It would be a BIG help. I just have to be able to afford it.... eventually.

My question to myself and I'm not sure I can even answer myself is--- Why doesn't diabetes scare me more? I guess I haven't been able to get medicine for so long that I like to pretend that everything is okay. Even though I'm tired ALL the time. Run down, no energy. Can't sleep. Can't really function at all. A doctor at the ER offered to help me. He told me to set up scheduled appointments with him and he would work with my insurance and find a medicine that I can afford. So why am I not excited and jumping on this offer? It still takes money I don't have. But it's significantly less money than I would be spending if he didn't offer to treat me. I still have so many medical bills to pay from last year and I guess it's getting frustrating. I would like to have them paid off before I try to start getting medication regularly. *sigh* I need to win the lottery so I can pay everything off. And have a good start. Lottery.... costs money to try to win. Argh!


hmm, I had something else to type... But I lost it in my brain somewhere. IT was something good too but I guess not too important. You'd *think* I could remember what it is if it was important. But that's not always true. I'm a scatterbrain....

Warning: To those who take pictures. Do not wait 8-9 months to get your pictures developed. May be that's what I was going to say earlier? Yeah, I got off work yesterday at 8pm on the dot. And I didn't get home until after Midnight! The Kodak Picture make hates me! 631 pictures came out of that machine last night. 631 pictures.... 19 cents a print. Total almost $130. Yup. Lots of money. Now, I have to sort and organize all the pictures. Get some sent to my mom before she goes on her trip and..... We all know me and organization, us two do not mix. I try, and try..... it's going to take me forever!

I'm done ranting. 2 hours of work down, 8 to go!

My first collage.. well first one in yeeeeeeeears:





<3 !!! ..... Enjoy Memorial Day with your family..... !!! <3

I'm back!!

I guess it helps to have a laptop upstairs. So when I'm policing the halls during naptime to make sure Little Bug doesn't do something she shouldn't do before she takes a nap... like go wake up Littlest Bug while she's napping.... I can get on here a blog again.


Things have been busy, I'm still on the same schedule. Wake up with both girls at 7, take care of them until about 4:30, then head to work from 5pm until usually about 11pm, or whenever I'm done after that point. That's just Monday-Friday. Saturday is my only day off. Then Sunday, I have a 10 hour work day. It's hard but the money is good. I miss the kids a lot. They can be so cute in the evening when their bucket of energy has dwindled down. When I put Bee to bed on Saturdays, she didn't want to let me go. For some stupid reason, I decided to give her a pillow about a week or so ago. Now, she doesn't care if I put her to bed or not. She's in love with having a pillow. She finally started walking in March. Bug turned 3 on April 8th. Seriously, where does the time go? In 2010.... two years from now, Lanie will be in Kindergarten. That's going to be one hard day for me. Daddy D might have to take off work to help me leave her there.


Lately I've been struggling to find a balance. A balance between taking care of my self (the basics-- diet, exercise, shower, etc), you know, the stuff that keeps up with your self-esteem, and taking care of the kids and the house. How does anyone manage all that with 2 toddlers? There are all kinds of scenarios that I keep playing at in my head, but when I get home at or after midnight, then maybe get to sleep by 1am-2am, and up again at 7, I've already neglected one of my basic needs--- Sleep. I'm averaging 5 hours a night. Daddy D usually lets me sleep in on the weekend, but this weekend that didn't happen and it's Monday, and I'm really feeling the energy decrease. There's got to be away to do this. Not a perfect way, I'm not saying that there is one because I have to factor in appointment, grocery shopping and other things on different days. But I'd like to be able to get a shower everyday. Which, if the kids don't get a nap... I don't get a shower. They are at the age when you just can't turn your back on them, even if they're in the room when you shower. Argh.... Need time management classes or something!

Here are pictures of my "handfulls" that were taken this year:





























They may look cute.... but it's all an act. ;o)

Has it really been so long?

I've been so busy lately that I haven't been able to hear myself think when I need to. Between a couple of emergency room trips, doctor visits, etc... all without insurance, I think I probably just couldn't even think about blogging. I had little snippets here and there on livejournal though. Wow... so aside from the Emergency Room trips... I'm doing well at work. I've gotten a couple of awards already. That's always a good thing. The kids are doing great... Bee will be one year old in less than a month. Hard to believe.. I thought I just had her!

I miss blogging a lot but I've found myself so tired that my eye has been twitching on and off for days. I need to just relax with a cold pack over my eye for a little while. So much has been on my mind. Especially.... probably due to the holidays, my dad. I came upon the realization that grieving doesn't actually "get better." You actually stop thinking about the fact that they aren't here after a certain period of time. But then there are times... and there always will be, where it still hits you like a ton of bricks because you haven't had in-depth thoughts for a while. Maybe this will be different... It's almost been 3 years. We'll see in 5 I guess. Right now.. that's where I stand with it. I guess.. See? I don't even know! Just thoughts. Random ravings of a really tired mother. When you're born, you cry while everyone is smiling at you... but it's turned around when you die. Life is just full of catch 22's. Only glitch is that... my kids didn't cry when they were born. The doctors had to tick them off for them to cry. So.. not sure how the applies to my kids. It is funny though.


See... ranting of a mad woman. That's what my blog title needs to be.

Anyway... kids, good. Me... good? Husband, good. Pictures with Santa... decent. I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday season and avoiding the crowds and "Sicknesses" as much as possible.


HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Falling into place...

This whole job threw all of our schedules off, but things are falling back into place. I actually got both girls napping at the same time again. Such a nice break to have! Work is going well, I'm still getting used to getting less than 6 hours of sleep every night. But Daddy D is pretty good at letting me sleep in most Saturdays and Sundays so far. Does anyone know how to sow? I need my supermom outfit! I don't know how I may it through the day!

I do miss everyone, I miss taking the time to read blogs. BUT luckily, in a little while when I'm not doing so much at work... yes a job the gets easier! I'll be able to do that. I've been on livejournal a lot too but that's probably not a big surprise to most of my friends. I need a place for private thoughts, a place to share where random people in the world won't find it. It's nice. Let me know if any of you bloggers have joined so I can add you.

The girls are growing up so quickly. Bee started randomly saying "No" last month. She's a character. She won't take a sippy cup and I've been trying to give her one but when it gets close to her face she starts saying "noooooo no no no no no no," how do you not laugh at that? A 9 month old telling her mama "no,"... looks like I need to nip this in the bud. It's just way too funny. She also says "No Bug," when her sister tries to take her toys away. When we tell her no, she says "No Bee," waaaaaaaaaay too cute if you ask me. I didn't realize how much I missed them during the day. Now that we have the money to put the girls in Preschool, we're going to start them next year. Bee has to be one to start, so come January she'll be 1. The decision was hard, but if we have the money to do it, it's good for them. Not so much for me, but it does give me time to myself when they are gone. And there is a great preschool up the street. So, I guess we will see. I've always done what I felt was best for them and putting them in a social environment will teach them how to better interact with other children more so than taking them to our friends house.

What can I tell you about Bee? She's currently learning to spell, and working on reading. I don't know how much a 2.5 year old can read but we're learning it anyway. My neighbors down the street have a 3 year old and a 1 year old and she loves going over there. She hates to go by their house and not say hi. That's my sweet girl. We had a couple of months of the terrible twos, but that's over thankfully! She's napping again and going to be on time. It's hard to discipline them without showing any emotion whatsoever, but we did it, and we're good.


Hope all is well with everyone! Will be catching up on the blogs soon! (Especially Holly and Cass!)

Supermom....

Is what I'm going to have to make myself if I expect to function while working six days a week. 5 of those days taking care of the kids from whatever time they get up (between 5am-7am) to when Daddy D gets home a little after 4. A few times a month, I have to put the kids in the car, drive to his work to give him the car with the kids and take the other one to work. Be there by 5pm, work until 11pm then go home and somehow force myself to fall asleep.

I just don't know....

Can life get anymore dysfunctional?

Ok, I'm back from the dead.... well, I'll get to that later!

Training is over, and I'm a fulltime working gal, and a fulltime mom. It's going to be hard. I got home at midnight last night. Since my health insurance hasn't kicked in, I had to a "procedure" for a cyst on my own. That took 2 hours. So I went to bed after 2am. I'm crazy, I know. 2 more months and I'll have insurance. I missed the girls the four weeks I was in training. I didn't realize that I hadn't made a post in so long. I updated my MySpace, I'll head to livejournal next. It's definitely been a while. I can't really tell you about my job yet. Well, I could. I have a lot to say but with any company, I'm not going to put it out there. It's just not right.

Bee:
Has four teeth, another is cutting now.
Crawling and standing
Eating "people" food
Says: Jena, Mama, Daddy, Lanie, No, Bye

Bug.. what can I say about her? If she'd ditch the tantrums (which we are working on), I would no longer consider her a toddler even at 2 years of age. I'd consider her a girl. She tells us what she wants and what she needs. And what she wants to do. The only obstacle to get through is helping her deal with us telling her no. That's it.

Both of them still haven't been sick yet... no colds, no ear infections. I did get Jena's ears pierced on Sunday. She didn't cry, and it looks so cute. I do miss a lot of my friends. We've been playing phone tag for the last 4-5 weeks.

How is everyone in the blog world doing? I have a lot to catch up on here too!

College and Wordless Wednesday (at the end)

Has college ruined the way Americans eat? I woke up this morning with one eye sealed shut and blood shot, to a rumbling tummy... and two kids on the monitor playing with each other. I thought to myself "I'm hungry. I could really go for some "bacon, eggs, hash browns... no grits, no... I don't know! Mix it all together!" That doesn't sound good at all, does it? But that's what I did in college. I'd get up, choose a bunch of random hot things, and mix it with grits. Eat, and go to class. Then for lunch, they had a pizza bar, baked potato bar, sandwich, waffle bar, salad bar, pasta bar, soup bar, hot entree bar, dessert bar, ice cream bar, cereal bar, ChickFila, Subway, Sushi place, Chinese food, Pizza Hut, Burger King, a general grocery store, gourmet coffee shop and I know there's a lot more, I just can't remember that far back (2001) when I lived on campus. I feel like having all these options for any meal, for any food at anytime has ruined the way I eat.

When I lived at home, you ate what mom made or you made yourself a sandwich and called it a day, of course there was also the option of not eating there too. Now I'm struggling, it's like I expect to be able to keep that kind of variety stocked into my small pantry, fridge and freezer. And at any moment during the day be able to change my mind as to what we're having. When I think about meal time, I think of all those varieties and struggle with the option to pick one. When I was in college, I HAD to have a meal plan, even when I left campus for a while. So, even at home, I can't have a morning coffee because I don't have 20 flavor options! Sure, we have flavored creamer (currently white chocolate raspberry, irish cream and vanilla) but that doesn't seem to be enough... it's not the coffee shop with different smells and flavors of coffee, different flavored sugar, nutmeg, cinnomon.... fresh baked goods every morning. They literally, knew me at the coffee shop on campus. I owned several store cups (because then coffee is $0.99 with your $12 store cup), I'd walk in, pour my coffee, get it ready, and by time I got to the check out they already had my chocolate criossant ready for me, I didn't have to say a word!

Ok enough story... here is my point. I'm doing it to my kids. (At least, I noticed it yesterday.) When one of them doesn't want something, I move on to give them something else until I feel they've had enough to eat. "Oh, you don't want what took mommy forever to make? Okay, Mac N Cheese... no? [it's happened] Okay let me make you a hot dog. No hot dog? Ok, let me get you a fruit cup. No fruit cup? Let me get you a pudding." Even with Littlest bug, who is almost 8 months... "hmm, won't eat peas today? Ok, lets try sweet potatos, green beans, apples, bananas...." So much food wasted. I can't decide if that's a good thing, or a bad thing. My mom didn't go to college. She married my dad in Lebanon and they came here. It's a multiple choice question...

A. Eat this or don't eat.
B. Here are your two choices, if you don't like either, don't eat.
C. Keep trying until they eat.
D. Make them sit until they eat it.

Parents have done it many ways but I can't decide which is best. When Daddy D was growing up his parents chose D. And now there are so many things he won't eat. So, as an adult, when his parents cook for everyone, they make different variations. Like, on Thanksgiving. There's always the same dish made 2 or 3 different ways, omiting the ingredients people can't or won't eat. I had B growing up and then C during college because I could just eat whatever, whenever. I just can't figure out which is really best for the kids. Do I need to suck it up and let my 2 year old get hungry enough? I feel the kid every few hours so she doesn't get too cranky. I'm at a loss. I can't afford for these kids to get overweight and end up with diabetes. Aside from dinner... my mom kept the house packed with sweets. I could grab a snicker bar at anytime and eat it. The kitchen was never closed. Little Bug has learned to open the fridge. And some doctors recommend keeping a tray of fruits and veggies in the fridge and let them eat as they would like. First off... my fridge doesn't have THAT much room. And secondly.... is that even a good idea? That's non stop foraging all day if it's up to her.

At this point, I've been up for 3.5 hours... I managed to get my eye open, contacts out (day and night lenses are all they're made out to be, and eye drops in.. and most of the reddness and soreness gone... but I still haven't managed to get myself breakfast. Little Bug is boycotting cereal, and Littlest Bug got a bottle but refused her soilds for the 2nd day. What does your family do at meal time?


Wordless Wednesday:

Busy summer...

No time to blog, no time to think! I miss blogging, and probably have lost all of my readers. Daddy D is with his grandmother for the night so I figured I'd get on here and do an update before a full month goes by. Between work and home improvements, and taking care of the kids there isn't much time to do anything. Here's what we've done this summer.... except for the deck, we did that last year.









We love it... sitting outside is one of our favorite things to do now. We do it every night (when I'm not working) with a beer or wine cooler and just talk.

I think about my dad a lot, and I got that memorial stone to put somewhere where I can go to think about him. It's funny... my dad was in the military and the military moves around a lot. Before he retired, my family was back and forth to Greece. Daddy D made an interesting point... if my dad hadn't gotten sick where we lived and retired there... I would never have met Daddy D, there would be no little bugs running around. I knew I owed everything I had to my dad... my college education, my car, my apartments... everything. But I didn't realize he gave me my husband and children too. Because of who he is, and his disease, I have all that I have now. I look at my husband and children differently.... and I appreciate them more because they were a gift to me, from my dad. He endured a lot of pain over the years, and a slow agonizing death. And I can't live my life sad that he's gone because gave me all that I have. I needed this realization because I was doing research on death by dehydration and salt poisoning, and it's a slow painful death. I thought he went quickly, but in reality, all of his organs dried up one by one. So while I've decided that I'm letting go of the pain of his death... I'm still going to be pissed off at the doctor who is responsible for letting him die. That I can handle. That's basically it...

Ok, so I haven't blogged in a while. Daddy D is busy working outside all of the time. And when he's not outside, I'm at work. So it's been busy busy busy. Father's day was okay, at this point I'm not exactly sure what I got my husband. I know it was more than one thing. I know I got him a grill cover... oh yeah... pictures of the girls. They're getting big. As my body falls apart, it's getting harder to sleep and keep up with them. My birth control (IUD) is know to cause some sleeping problems and it's hit me head on! On top of that my blood sugar is 500+ all the time now. That doesn't do me any good especially since once I'm sleeping, it's hard to wake up. Learning that it does that has explained a lot of things about my life and the way I was growing up. But still... it's causing me headaches and other pains.

Back to Father's Day... I was okay with my father not being here this year until while checking someone out at work, this lady said "You young people always forget to call your dads on fathers day. Don't forget to call yours." I'm sure I made her feel six inches tall when I told her my dad recently passed away. She said she'd pray for him but she didn't say it with too much concern or even a second thought that she might have hurt my feelings. It's crazy how people just don't think before speaking anymore. My dad was sent to his grave by a doctor and it's something I've tried not to think about. I try to remember that he's better off but when she said that to me, it just... I don't know how to explain it other than it ripped a new hole in my heart. I always called him on Father's Day... and this year would've been no exception if he was here, or if I could call heaven or the afterlife or whatever.

Ok, I went a little to deep there for my own liking.... I miss reading blogs and being on the computer. But there is a lot going on and we're in and out all of the time. But since it's almost 2 and I'm awake, I'll post a good number of pictures. And I'll stop blogging here to go read my favorite blogs.


Pictures... pictures and more pictures!--- (it's what i do when my husband is outside)

Crazy crazy crazy...

I happily got fired from my job, although, I didn't deserve to be fired. Stupid politics! But I'm glad I got fired. I think the job was wearing me thin. And if I'm going to have a part time job, I want something easier than manual labor. I did get another job though. I've thought about blogging a lot but haven't found the time nor the energy to do it. Then when I did, I completely forgot what I wanted to say.

The girls are good. Life around me is good. I finally know my Bee, inside and out. She's only been here for 5 months and just like Bug, she's easy to please. That's what my post today is about. My Bee.

She's curious, more curious than he sister.
She pays attention to detail.
If it's interesting enough to her, she would glad give up her food to figure it out.
She likes to hold hands.
She likes kisses on her lips but will tolerate them elsewhere.
She's got a grip like a eagle hold it's prey.
Changing her diaper is just one big game of trying to get her to let go of whatever you need-- the diaper, finger, etc. By time to get one finger free, she's already got something else. Two hands just aren't enough with this one!
She likes to be by herself a lot but when she's had enough... she's had enough.
I know each look she gives... her food, tired, playful looks.
I even know the look she gives when only her sister can make her happy.
It's weird, they seem to have a connection that I don't understand. But it's cute too!

I can't believe next month, she'll be 6 months! Where, oh where does the time go! Life just seems so much more amazing now that she's in it. I can't imagine out life without her... And it's obvious that her sister can't either. She focuses her day around what her lil sis is doing. She knows when it's time for her bottle. And she constantly (literally) checks to see if she needs a diaper change. She asks me nicely not to put her down for a nap. She includes pleases and thank you... and is the first one to say "bless you" when her lil sis sneezes-- or coughs for that matter.


Who knew something so simple could lighten your heart in an instant.

Rest In Peace Dad

He's been gone two years today and I still think about him as much, if not more, as I did when he was alive. I miss him so much, and wish that I knew him better and that we could have done more. Most of my memories are from before I was a teenager, before he got really bad.

Thank you to those who sponsored me in the MS Walk. It's a great cause, if a handful of people don't have to go through what I went through.

Two years and two kids later...I remember that day so clearly. I was taking a lot of pictures of Bug. She was only 10 days old. I put her in a dress her Uncle T and Aunt S sent her, took pictures of her in our room. Then I put her in a sleeper and took pictures of her in her room. She fell asleep... and then the phone rang. I was informed by my niece's mother, that my dads heart stopped and that I should pack my things and head to Fayetteville (2hrs away). I called my husbands work, panicking... told him I was leaving. It was around 3 o'clock. He asked me to wait for him, that he'd get a substitute and come home. Not 30 minutes later I was told, "Don't rush home, he's already gone," by the same person. At first I thought it was a cruel joke, but by the time my husband made it through the door, I couldn't stop crying. I didn't get to say good bye. I didn't get to tell him I loved him. The last time I talked to him was when I told him I was heading to the hospital to have Lanie. He said "you'll do good, I love you." I love you too were my last words. But does "I love you, too" last ten days?

Pictures of Bug that I took that day, 10 days old:










Jena at 10 days old:


I love you, dad. And I miss you more than you ever would have thought.